Eternal Sunshine of my Lonely Heart

[jackshoegazer]

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the ten-billionth time. In case you haven't heard me mention it, it's one of my favorite films, definitely hanging around in the Top 10, and definitely in the Top 5 of best relationship films.

Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.

Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.

I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.

Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.

Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?

Comments

[moonshinekat.livejournal.com]

i still cant bear to watch that movie, even though i punish myself by doing so, i first saw it in the theatres with Martin shortly after we broke up, i sat in the theatre balling.....and i dnt cry in front of people very often !!!!

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

It's such a good fucking movie. Anything that can evoke so much emotion is so TRUE. And it kills us all to remember that under all the evil endings of all our relationships, there is that seed of love that sparked whole whole sorrid adventure and we miss it, even to the point we'd go through all that hell all over again, just for that seed of Love.

[lady-saffir.livejournal.com]

I love that movie too. In reading this post I could not help but be transported back to my own mind about 5 or 6 years ago. I know that if someone were to tell me then what I am about to tell you it would not have helped but I find myself wanting to tell you anyway.

Hang in there, I cannot explain it logically but I rest on the other side of the equation having now been married for almost three years and it can happen. I swear one day things just changed, I met anubis75 and I was not looking and suddenly things were different, the whole world looked sort of different and things in the love arena just sort of fell into place. What seemed impossible a week earlier was suddenly not only possible but happening in my life.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your kind words. I don't fret about this often, but when I torture myself by watching that movie, or see a particular happy couple, or hear certain songs about love, I am reminded that I haven't fallen in love for several years now and I get lonely. I'm very happy for you and anubis75, you two seem very well matched and happy together.

[anubis75.livejournal.com]

Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed.

That's one thing I know about all too well. Just remember that Anima projection isn't allways a bad thing, just make sure you stay mindful of it and not allow yourself to get too wrapped up in that projected image.
At the point of my life when I met [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] I had got to a point where I was comfortable just being me in my own skin. That night that I met her I was up at the bar my roomate at the time worked at, just chilling out and having a couple of pints. Then I met her, and my life was changed for ever (in a good way).

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I think, in a way, that might be my problem. I am constantly aware of my anima and her constant attempts at escape into the real world, so I never slip into that bliss of love that comes from the projection, that Spark. And I have yet to find it's non-projected equivalent, aka, the real thing. Real butter v.s. I -can't-believe-it's-not-butter. Projection love is a weird substitute for real love, I suppose :P

Thank you by the way :)

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

The One thing is a toughie for me. I will swear by it, there is no one. Then I've seen cases of relationships coming together, in really amazing ways.

There was a story once, I saw on Unsolved Mysteries or something like that. A man who had been in one of the Nazi war camps. There was a young German girl who would come to the camp, and slip him apples and feed him. She always remained with him in his heart, and when he was released from the camps, he went to America.

From what I recall, he married, had children, his wife died. But one day, in his old age, by strange twist of fate, he met the same woman who fed him apples through the fence, the rest was history on it. I guess they recognized each other, even in their old age even...

Now, things like that occur, (and damn wouldn't I love to see those two natal charts)!!! And boom, fate. Also, a friend of mine, when we'd just graduated from high school. She had dated a young man, since she was 13. Lied about her age to him (long story with), then later told the truth. He was in the military, and when he was done with doing his time, they were going to be married.

But sadly, he came down with Leukemia. He died when she was 19. I remember our boss (we worked together), and everyone kept consoling her too much. But I knew she didn't want all that. So when I heard about his death, I called her, and I told her, when she returned to work, I would treat her like normal, and not mention the loss to her at all. If she wanted to talk to me, she could. But if she didn't want to, I wouldn't say anything. IOW: I wouldn't feel sorry for her. I got a huge THANK YOU for that, and we became good friends.

So, a year later, girlfriends and I went on a weekend trip up north. One of my friends wanted to visit her boyfriend in school, and I asked her if she wanted to go. That night, she met the "One" you could say. She is a very talented artist, painter (and now web designer for several big co's). Anyway, he claimed he was an artist, and when he showed us he wasn't making it up (because young guys do things like that), he showed us his gallery, some of the most beautiful paintings I'd ever seen. And the funny thing was, one of our friends (Libra) said, "Because she stayed by his side until he died, and loved him, God gave her a good one." They are still happily married with three sons =) Strange twists of fate -- I felt she should go with me that weekend, and the rest is history.

So I think, really, we have many soulmates. There's not necessarily a specific, special, perfect One for us. But folks wont be able to end up in quality relationships, until they overcome the various obstacles and issues they're supposed to overcome.

[anubis75.livejournal.com]

Very intriging anectdotes, and I think they support your case well, cespecially the one about the man in the Concentration Camp. I must admit I'm always interseted in Holocaust Survior stories; moreover, what they did to keep themselves going while oppression and death were surrounding them.
BTW is it allright if I friend you?

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! Friend away, the more the merrier!

[anubis75.livejournal.com]

grazie!

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the stories. I've lived my own versions of these in the past, but they've always fallen apart, no matter how fated they seemed in the beginning. In a way, I think that might be part of what's wrong. How can I ever trust my feelings when they've been wrong so many times?

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Relationships aren't always meant to be long-term. You can still learn from the experiences, and as long as you do learn the necessary lessons to help you along the way, that's what matters.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Hmm.. then what's this part of me that feels like if I'm not in it for a long haul, it's not worth the effort? I think it comes down to my Cancerian reluctance to come out of my shell. Us squishy things can get hurt out there!

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm...That's too easy of an answer, I believe. Tell you what: on your old bday thread I did, I"m gonna post some of my suspicions in some transits, cause I noticed something today. Oh, btw, we're waxing pretty heavy philosophically in the astrologia community regarding relationships. Go check that out, and I'll post on your bday thread in a little bit: http://www.livejournal.com/community/astrologia/68499.html?view=324755#t324755

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Your friend brought me back to this thread. Gotta love Anubis. Egypt, the homeland of magick...

I think one of the things to keep in mind, one of the many lessons of the Cancer - be able to deal with the complexities of being sensitive within, yet with the outer shell. Somewhere, the creature strikes her balance. It's a tricky sign to be. Yet it can't really do away with either nature. In some ways, I think the Cancer should be notably a dual sign, for she has a dual nature after all, in that regard.

But hypocrite? I think you're judging yourself too harshly. You don't appear to be a hypocrite to myself. And not all love is purely Anima projection, either. It isn't when you acknowledge the side. It can be recognized within. One of the tricks in Anima/us projections, is being able to know your own. Then you can be able to discern another person, from the projection of yourself.

Maybe one of the ways, you can begin the process of overcoming the fear of being wounded, or dealing with the former wounding, is learn to love friends, animals, art, for love isn't simply reserved with another soulmate. Certainly the seventh house nature runs very deep -- note the one-to-one relationships involve the descendant, or shadow self, they're intertwined? You have to be able to see what you're meant to learn in this regard, in some way. This requires honesty, and a healthy dose of courage.

And you're not damaged goods.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

And you're not damaged goods.

Thanks for your vote of confidence.

I am quite aware when I'm projecting, almost to the point that I never allow a projection to settle in. I don't want an illusion. As Jung's wife said, the Anima's place is in the Unconscious, mediating the contents thereof, not prjected outside.

And I do love people and family and my friends and pets and art. I know my capacity for love. However, these things are agape. Where I'm lacking, and what I pine about occasionally, like when I see a happy couple or watch certain movies or hear certain songs, is eros. I have a severe eros deficiency. Can't I just buy an eros supplement in the drug store, next to the vitamin E?

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's not an Eros deficiency, but Eros saturation? Least that you can keep that back, until such images are viewed, like this movie. I haven't seen it, but I do get the idea.

You and I have a similar issue, that your venus is in the 12th house, my mars is there too. Course, for women and logos, it's a different issue. Having Mars in Scorpio, mine can "wage war" at times. Not in a brutal sense, necessarily. But in dreams it's dancing zen masters and swords and slaying beasts, and whatnot. Not necessarily my path's initial plan sts, but having the warrior mars -- nothing I can do about it but accept it. I'm just thankful for my venus trine.

I had a friend of mine who had venus in gemini. The week pluto went into opposition with his venus, his wife left him, devastated his world. But the entire marriage had been based on anima projection. She was a Libra, which was his Mars sign, so she had taken on the masculine role, and he expressed the more feminine role in the marriage. He was anima saturated. Which put upon a burden in the relationship -- while yes, she was a bitch in extremes, she had taken up with a man who she could manipulate and control. However willingly he went into that, upon being devastated by her leaving: a voice mail on the machine, cleaned out house, no explaination, except for a discovered letter to another man, in reality, whereby she would've appeared to have wanted someone to control, in reality she wanted someone to take the upper hand from her. When in reality he may have taken a back seat in the marriage, he needed to gain the courage to take the drivers seat once in awhile. The dance they did between each other had been reversed. He was well aware of that, but still wounded, he had to learn to get the beast into balance. For anima only projected so heavily to be recognized, so he could balance himself out, in his own role.

Years later, now he's married (consenquently to a Gemini) after burning through some painful healing, but necessary healing he had to do. He learned throughout that time to stand up for himself, not let women control him. Like a year before he met his current wife, whilst on the rebound, almost moved in a carbon copy of the former. Around that time, I told him, to stand up to her (which he picked up psychic shielding around this time), and he'd know what he was dealing with. When she tried to control him, and he did stand up, all hell broke loose. She saw she was losing control of him, and freaked out. Lucky for him, he did it in the nick of time, and got rid of the loser.

Anyway, anima for a man -- and I suspect gemini venus, can be critical and make a man feel insecure and unsure of himself. Least what I witnessed with him was this case. Your neptune opposition with venus (alone with a tee square to the midheaven) gives quite a bit attention to this. Esp. with the midheaven being in pisces.

We don't necessarily integrate anima/us, but we do integrate the projections, take them back and own them just the same. By integrating the projections, you'll see more clearly.

[enodia.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling all too well. I think that for myself, there are so many practical things that I need to focus on in directing my life, that it just isn't time for relationship right now. I just hope that I don't have to wait until my physical beauty and fertility are completely gone before it is finally time,lol.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Same here. I just occasionally get into these lonely moods and have to vent about them. I thank you for your thoughts. Most of the time, I'm okay and I realize I'm doing what I have to do, but once in a while, wham!

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

i think the reason monogamy is hard for you is that you haven't found the right person yet. (doesn't that sound like an argument for why people are gay? you just haven't found the right girl... hear me out anyway). if you really were very very into someone the idea of short lived pleasure wouldn't be worth giving up what you have with the one you love. it's not so much that you don't want to be with someone, it's that you don't want to be with anyone that you've met/dated/liked yet.

kick me if i'm wrong here.

anyway. i think the main issue for you is going to be finding a girl who's good enough. pretty much the only person i know that i could see you liking and being with for real would be anna, because you're both smart and kind and interested in similar things. you're a very intellegent, interesting, attractive person, and very few babes are going to measure up. how many interesting intellegent and attractive single babes do you even know in real life? especially in this country and this state.

give yourself time, i think that you have the ability and desire to love someone for real, you just haven't met them yet. i think the idea of "the one" is stupid, but i do think that there are people out there who can make you a happier and better person for being with them.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I never used to have commitment problems. Never. And I've never cheated ever. Not even close. I know if I found someone that I just *knew* was right, i wouldn't have a problem, but i think it's the fact that my emotions have led me astray so many times, I don't trust them. I've had soul-mate types of loves, relationships that seemed so fated, that it appeared that Destiny was taking a direct hand in arranging things, and then it all fell apart.

So now, I have so many almosts and maybes and could-bes that I can't even for a moment begin to decide. The idea of choosing one of them to the exclusion of the rest just seems wrong somehow. So maybe this means that it's none of them. Perhaps, I'm picking and choosing traits in people and from those traits, I could assemble someone that meets my standards. Who knows, I'm retarded.

I think I may have been able to be with Anna, but then she's got that whole boyfriend, who is practically her husband thing. Amber at work is attractive and intelligent as well, but she's got a boyfriend too. The last few years, if I actually get interested in someone, they either have a boyfriend, live a gazillion miles away, are lesbian (that's anannoying one!) or just not interested.

And it's not like this is something I'm constantly fretting about. I just had a weak moment of lonliness yestrday and needed to vent. Thanks for listening :)

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

We've had this conversation before... and I am still just a hopeless romantic that believes in destined love and the "one" but sometimes that requires a lot of lonliness and sacrafice and sifting through shit before you get there. (I've said it before "lonely is the sacrafice we make so that we may gain ourselves) you have said before that when you are with someone you like to memorize thier entire being but for the last couple of years you have been memorizing yourself. Maybe you just aren't done doing that yet. Maybe you'll meet her far down the road or maybe you will when you go to the grocery store some night this week... there's no telling.. But I am going to agree with kiwikat on this one. The issue will be finding someone good enough for you! But, then again.. if the "one" exists.. she will be.

(I have GOT to see that movie!! )

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I know we've discussed this :) And I was just having a momentary lapse of resolve and had to whine about my loneliness a bit. I know whoever it is, is out there, but I can't help but be despondent a bit. Plus, if you read back a few comments, I mention that I just don't trust my emotions anymore when it comes to eros. I've had too many fated loves fade and die, so I'm stuck in some sort of aperspectival madness, where I'm so afraid to make a wrong decision that I make no decision.

But I thank you for your vote of confidence in me. I often forget that I'm looking for someone good enough for me. I forget how picky I am :P

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

:)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

You know, I seem to forget that beauty and intelligence with a spiritual core is not very common. Odd indeed!

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

another :)

rare combinations

[particleorwave.livejournal.com]

You are right about that...and there's nothing wrong with being picky.

But sometimes we lose out on a moment while trying to create a space for a future manifestation...and sometimes, we need to have those times of lonliness, so that we can work through them and differenciate them from aloneness; and sometimes when we learn where that line is, we go from being'picky' to being 'focused', and we are able to draw to us that which we need on whatever level we need it...

I hated being alone after the last broken heart. I gave up on ever finding 'the one'.

Now I am in Love again...and I reiterate - there IS no 'one'. I love him more than all the others ever put together - yet, I can see how we could end up being 'just friends with benefits' as our lives go into different directions...he says that I'm just scared, and maybe he is right, but I am a natural born romantic(venus in pisces in my first house!) and my heart does not listen at all to my head, which leads to broken heart...So this time, I am not trying to make 'us' into anything but what it is with every new dawn. We have plans for a future - but Life brings shifts, as change is the only constant - and he and I have both had open heart surgery with rusty implements by ex-loves, and when we realized that we might be more than remotely interested in each other, we laid out the worst of ourselves to each other, trying to scare the other away...picky? yeah. With good reason - those of us who have been slain, but did not completely die, are recovering, to become stronger than ever...but the scar tissue becomes our armour...you may not find someone to spend the rest of your time here with - but, if you open your heart, you know that there are infinite types of love, and that, in truth, it's always raining when you look for love in your life...I see how your friends love you - it may not be exactly what you are seeking, but you have more than many (too many) will never have, and I know you know yer blessed that way...and it is because of that, that you will be found, under all those layers that moonchildren are so prone to hiding behind...and all will balance out...

Just remember what Lily Tomlin said - Never forget that we're all in this alone together...

btw

[particleorwave.livejournal.com]

That movie is definitely one of my top 10...

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze.

I win. :)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

That you have :)