Eternal Sunshine of my Lonely Heart

[jackshoegazer]

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the ten-billionth time. In case you haven't heard me mention it, it's one of my favorite films, definitely hanging around in the Top 10, and definitely in the Top 5 of best relationship films.

Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.

Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.

I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.

Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.

Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?

Comments

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's not an Eros deficiency, but Eros saturation? Least that you can keep that back, until such images are viewed, like this movie. I haven't seen it, but I do get the idea.

You and I have a similar issue, that your venus is in the 12th house, my mars is there too. Course, for women and logos, it's a different issue. Having Mars in Scorpio, mine can "wage war" at times. Not in a brutal sense, necessarily. But in dreams it's dancing zen masters and swords and slaying beasts, and whatnot. Not necessarily my path's initial plan sts, but having the warrior mars -- nothing I can do about it but accept it. I'm just thankful for my venus trine.

I had a friend of mine who had venus in gemini. The week pluto went into opposition with his venus, his wife left him, devastated his world. But the entire marriage had been based on anima projection. She was a Libra, which was his Mars sign, so she had taken on the masculine role, and he expressed the more feminine role in the marriage. He was anima saturated. Which put upon a burden in the relationship -- while yes, she was a bitch in extremes, she had taken up with a man who she could manipulate and control. However willingly he went into that, upon being devastated by her leaving: a voice mail on the machine, cleaned out house, no explaination, except for a discovered letter to another man, in reality, whereby she would've appeared to have wanted someone to control, in reality she wanted someone to take the upper hand from her. When in reality he may have taken a back seat in the marriage, he needed to gain the courage to take the drivers seat once in awhile. The dance they did between each other had been reversed. He was well aware of that, but still wounded, he had to learn to get the beast into balance. For anima only projected so heavily to be recognized, so he could balance himself out, in his own role.

Years later, now he's married (consenquently to a Gemini) after burning through some painful healing, but necessary healing he had to do. He learned throughout that time to stand up for himself, not let women control him. Like a year before he met his current wife, whilst on the rebound, almost moved in a carbon copy of the former. Around that time, I told him, to stand up to her (which he picked up psychic shielding around this time), and he'd know what he was dealing with. When she tried to control him, and he did stand up, all hell broke loose. She saw she was losing control of him, and freaked out. Lucky for him, he did it in the nick of time, and got rid of the loser.

Anyway, anima for a man -- and I suspect gemini venus, can be critical and make a man feel insecure and unsure of himself. Least what I witnessed with him was this case. Your neptune opposition with venus (alone with a tee square to the midheaven) gives quite a bit attention to this. Esp. with the midheaven being in pisces.

We don't necessarily integrate anima/us, but we do integrate the projections, take them back and own them just the same. By integrating the projections, you'll see more clearly.