Eternal Sunshine of my Lonely Heart
Aug. 10th, 2005 10:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackshoegazerI just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the ten-billionth time. In case you haven't heard me mention it, it's one of my favorite films, definitely hanging around in the Top 10, and definitely in the Top 5 of best relationship films.
Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.
Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.
I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.
Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?
Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.
Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.
I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.
Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?
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no subject
Date: 2005-08-10 11:11 pm (UTC)kick me if i'm wrong here.
anyway. i think the main issue for you is going to be finding a girl who's good enough. pretty much the only person i know that i could see you liking and being with for real would be anna, because you're both smart and kind and interested in similar things. you're a very intellegent, interesting, attractive person, and very few babes are going to measure up. how many interesting intellegent and attractive single babes do you even know in real life? especially in this country and this state.
give yourself time, i think that you have the ability and desire to love someone for real, you just haven't met them yet. i think the idea of "the one" is stupid, but i do think that there are people out there who can make you a happier and better person for being with them.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-11 12:16 pm (UTC)So now, I have so many almosts and maybes and could-bes that I can't even for a moment begin to decide. The idea of choosing one of them to the exclusion of the rest just seems wrong somehow. So maybe this means that it's none of them. Perhaps, I'm picking and choosing traits in people and from those traits, I could assemble someone that meets my standards. Who knows, I'm retarded.
I think I may have been able to be with Anna, but then she's got that whole boyfriend, who is practically her husband thing. Amber at work is attractive and intelligent as well, but she's got a boyfriend too. The last few years, if I actually get interested in someone, they either have a boyfriend, live a gazillion miles away, are lesbian (that's anannoying one!) or just not interested.
And it's not like this is something I'm constantly fretting about. I just had a weak moment of lonliness yestrday and needed to vent. Thanks for listening :)