Eternal Sunshine of my Lonely Heart
Aug. 10th, 2005 10:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackshoegazerI just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the ten-billionth time. In case you haven't heard me mention it, it's one of my favorite films, definitely hanging around in the Top 10, and definitely in the Top 5 of best relationship films.
Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.
Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.
I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.
Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?
Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.
Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.
I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.
Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?
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Date: 2005-08-12 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-12 03:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-13 04:55 am (UTC)rare combinations
Date: 2005-08-23 09:01 am (UTC)But sometimes we lose out on a moment while trying to create a space for a future manifestation...and sometimes, we need to have those times of lonliness, so that we can work through them and differenciate them from aloneness; and sometimes when we learn where that line is, we go from being'picky' to being 'focused', and we are able to draw to us that which we need on whatever level we need it...
I hated being alone after the last broken heart. I gave up on ever finding 'the one'.
Now I am in Love again...and I reiterate - there IS no 'one'. I love him more than all the others ever put together - yet, I can see how we could end up being 'just friends with benefits' as our lives go into different directions...he says that I'm just scared, and maybe he is right, but I am a natural born romantic(venus in pisces in my first house!) and my heart does not listen at all to my head, which leads to broken heart...So this time, I am not trying to make 'us' into anything but what it is with every new dawn. We have plans for a future - but Life brings shifts, as change is the only constant - and he and I have both had open heart surgery with rusty implements by ex-loves, and when we realized that we might be more than remotely interested in each other, we laid out the worst of ourselves to each other, trying to scare the other away...picky? yeah. With good reason - those of us who have been slain, but did not completely die, are recovering, to become stronger than ever...but the scar tissue becomes our armour...you may not find someone to spend the rest of your time here with - but, if you open your heart, you know that there are infinite types of love, and that, in truth, it's always raining when you look for love in your life...I see how your friends love you - it may not be exactly what you are seeking, but you have more than many (too many) will never have, and I know you know yer blessed that way...and it is because of that, that you will be found, under all those layers that moonchildren are so prone to hiding behind...and all will balance out...
Just remember what Lily Tomlin said - Never forget that we're all in this alone together...