Eternal Sunshine of my Lonely Heart

[jackshoegazer]

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the ten-billionth time. In case you haven't heard me mention it, it's one of my favorite films, definitely hanging around in the Top 10, and definitely in the Top 5 of best relationship films.

Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.

Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.

I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.

Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.

Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?

Comments

[moonshinekat.livejournal.com]

i still cant bear to watch that movie, even though i punish myself by doing so, i first saw it in the theatres with Martin shortly after we broke up, i sat in the theatre balling.....and i dnt cry in front of people very often !!!!

[lady-saffir.livejournal.com]

I love that movie too. In reading this post I could not help but be transported back to my own mind about 5 or 6 years ago. I know that if someone were to tell me then what I am about to tell you it would not have helped but I find myself wanting to tell you anyway.

Hang in there, I cannot explain it logically but I rest on the other side of the equation having now been married for almost three years and it can happen. I swear one day things just changed, I met anubis75 and I was not looking and suddenly things were different, the whole world looked sort of different and things in the love arena just sort of fell into place. What seemed impossible a week earlier was suddenly not only possible but happening in my life.

[anubis75.livejournal.com]

Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed.

That's one thing I know about all too well. Just remember that Anima projection isn't allways a bad thing, just make sure you stay mindful of it and not allow yourself to get too wrapped up in that projected image.
At the point of my life when I met [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] I had got to a point where I was comfortable just being me in my own skin. That night that I met her I was up at the bar my roomate at the time worked at, just chilling out and having a couple of pints. Then I met her, and my life was changed for ever (in a good way).

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

The One thing is a toughie for me. I will swear by it, there is no one. Then I've seen cases of relationships coming together, in really amazing ways.

There was a story once, I saw on Unsolved Mysteries or something like that. A man who had been in one of the Nazi war camps. There was a young German girl who would come to the camp, and slip him apples and feed him. She always remained with him in his heart, and when he was released from the camps, he went to America.

From what I recall, he married, had children, his wife died. But one day, in his old age, by strange twist of fate, he met the same woman who fed him apples through the fence, the rest was history on it. I guess they recognized each other, even in their old age even...

Now, things like that occur, (and damn wouldn't I love to see those two natal charts)!!! And boom, fate. Also, a friend of mine, when we'd just graduated from high school. She had dated a young man, since she was 13. Lied about her age to him (long story with), then later told the truth. He was in the military, and when he was done with doing his time, they were going to be married.

But sadly, he came down with Leukemia. He died when she was 19. I remember our boss (we worked together), and everyone kept consoling her too much. But I knew she didn't want all that. So when I heard about his death, I called her, and I told her, when she returned to work, I would treat her like normal, and not mention the loss to her at all. If she wanted to talk to me, she could. But if she didn't want to, I wouldn't say anything. IOW: I wouldn't feel sorry for her. I got a huge THANK YOU for that, and we became good friends.

So, a year later, girlfriends and I went on a weekend trip up north. One of my friends wanted to visit her boyfriend in school, and I asked her if she wanted to go. That night, she met the "One" you could say. She is a very talented artist, painter (and now web designer for several big co's). Anyway, he claimed he was an artist, and when he showed us he wasn't making it up (because young guys do things like that), he showed us his gallery, some of the most beautiful paintings I'd ever seen. And the funny thing was, one of our friends (Libra) said, "Because she stayed by his side until he died, and loved him, God gave her a good one." They are still happily married with three sons =) Strange twists of fate -- I felt she should go with me that weekend, and the rest is history.

So I think, really, we have many soulmates. There's not necessarily a specific, special, perfect One for us. But folks wont be able to end up in quality relationships, until they overcome the various obstacles and issues they're supposed to overcome.

[niamh04.livejournal.com]

Your friend brought me back to this thread. Gotta love Anubis. Egypt, the homeland of magick...

I think one of the things to keep in mind, one of the many lessons of the Cancer - be able to deal with the complexities of being sensitive within, yet with the outer shell. Somewhere, the creature strikes her balance. It's a tricky sign to be. Yet it can't really do away with either nature. In some ways, I think the Cancer should be notably a dual sign, for she has a dual nature after all, in that regard.

But hypocrite? I think you're judging yourself too harshly. You don't appear to be a hypocrite to myself. And not all love is purely Anima projection, either. It isn't when you acknowledge the side. It can be recognized within. One of the tricks in Anima/us projections, is being able to know your own. Then you can be able to discern another person, from the projection of yourself.

Maybe one of the ways, you can begin the process of overcoming the fear of being wounded, or dealing with the former wounding, is learn to love friends, animals, art, for love isn't simply reserved with another soulmate. Certainly the seventh house nature runs very deep -- note the one-to-one relationships involve the descendant, or shadow self, they're intertwined? You have to be able to see what you're meant to learn in this regard, in some way. This requires honesty, and a healthy dose of courage.

And you're not damaged goods.

[enodia.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling all too well. I think that for myself, there are so many practical things that I need to focus on in directing my life, that it just isn't time for relationship right now. I just hope that I don't have to wait until my physical beauty and fertility are completely gone before it is finally time,lol.

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

i think the reason monogamy is hard for you is that you haven't found the right person yet. (doesn't that sound like an argument for why people are gay? you just haven't found the right girl... hear me out anyway). if you really were very very into someone the idea of short lived pleasure wouldn't be worth giving up what you have with the one you love. it's not so much that you don't want to be with someone, it's that you don't want to be with anyone that you've met/dated/liked yet.

kick me if i'm wrong here.

anyway. i think the main issue for you is going to be finding a girl who's good enough. pretty much the only person i know that i could see you liking and being with for real would be anna, because you're both smart and kind and interested in similar things. you're a very intellegent, interesting, attractive person, and very few babes are going to measure up. how many interesting intellegent and attractive single babes do you even know in real life? especially in this country and this state.

give yourself time, i think that you have the ability and desire to love someone for real, you just haven't met them yet. i think the idea of "the one" is stupid, but i do think that there are people out there who can make you a happier and better person for being with them.

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

We've had this conversation before... and I am still just a hopeless romantic that believes in destined love and the "one" but sometimes that requires a lot of lonliness and sacrafice and sifting through shit before you get there. (I've said it before "lonely is the sacrafice we make so that we may gain ourselves) you have said before that when you are with someone you like to memorize thier entire being but for the last couple of years you have been memorizing yourself. Maybe you just aren't done doing that yet. Maybe you'll meet her far down the road or maybe you will when you go to the grocery store some night this week... there's no telling.. But I am going to agree with kiwikat on this one. The issue will be finding someone good enough for you! But, then again.. if the "one" exists.. she will be.

(I have GOT to see that movie!! )

btw

[particleorwave.livejournal.com]

That movie is definitely one of my top 10...

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze.

I win. :)