Getting some thoughts out about weddings...

[jackshoegazer]

Planning and budgeting a wedding is hard. Seriously, we are having, from what I understand, a small wedding and we'll be pinching every penny to pull this off. I mean, who the hell decided that this stuff should cost so much? And of course, on top of all the expenses, you have to ask your closest friends to buy dresses or rent tuxes and pay for lodging and travel. This is just an obscene amount of money, and let me reiterate, we are having a relatively inexpensive wedding.

And I will admit, I have issues with money. I feel weird spending money. I have huge amounts of guilt whenever I have to spend more than $20 on something. I wrestled with myself for weeks leading up to buying a nice camera. Where there was a very nice but expensive coat I really liked, Jacquelyn had to practically force me to buy it. I am very, very good at convincing myself I don't really need something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm not excited and looking forward to this. I am. This is going to be a crazy experience and I prefer experiences over merchandise any day. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't put a lot of stock into traditions and I'm the first to question the validity and relevance of a cultural tradition, the first to kick the tires and check under the hood to see if it's worth buying into. Before I decided to get married, this was all abstract cultural stuff I never gave much thought about.

But now, actually interacting with photographers and caterers and dress designers and getting quotes on flowers, and reading up on etiquette and who is supposed to pay for what (and what if your family is poor and can't afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner) and how you must suddenly rank your friends and decided who gets invited and who doesn't and constantly run against other people's expectations and ideas about what a wedding is supposed to be, especially in a time when the idea of marriage in such flux and less and less people are getting married and a whole group of people who can't get married want to get married and are finally getting a chance to get married. Who am I to balk or criticize the trouble and problems associated with getting married when so many people don't even have the option? It's like that aphorism about getting old, it is a luxury not afforded to everyone.

So I know this isn't a well-organized essay with topic sentences and pithy conclusions, but just thoughts that I've been wrestling with during this process. Several times, in the midst of financial problems or family-and-friend drama, we have tossed our hands in the air and said, "Fuck it, let's elope and spend this money on a bad-ass vacation!"

But I keep coming back to the same thing...

There aren't enough initiatory rituals in our lives. There just aren't enough major milestones marked with rituals and celebrations and magic and merriment. And any initiatory ritual contains elements ranging from ecstatic happiness to terrifying strife. Nothing in this world happens without friction and nothing worth having comes without a cost, without work. It's built right into the very wiring of our brains, you have to push through the pain to get the endorphins. So as hard as this is, as much as I have to wrestle with my self and my culture and my ideals and my family and my friends, it is going to be worth it, one way or another.

Because when you boil it down, it's about marking a major life decision, about changing your life, about ceremonially adding another person to your innermost circle, surrounded by your tribe both biological and chosen. And pulling that off, methinks, would be the greatest magic trick of all.

Comments

[ambientfusion.livejournal.com]

"There aren't enough initiatory rituals in our lives. There just aren't enough major milestones marked with rituals and celebrations and magic and merriment."
Interesting, my friends and I were just talking about this yesterday. Discussing how Americans don't have enough initiatory rituals which could possibly be the reason for why so many go astray or don't know what path to walk. I often wish that we could have rites of wo/manhood like most tribes do.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Mircea Eliade talks about this an awful lot, the importance that ritual plays in other cultures, and it seems to me that the healthier the culture, the more rituals there are. Of course, with postmodernism running amok saying that nothing means anything and there's no narratives and stories, well, of course no one is going to see the importance of such things.

[ambientfusion.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes I do recall Eliade talking about that and McKenna regurgitating it as well. It saddens me that most don't see the importance of ritual. And the rituals that they do evoke are often twisted bastardized versions that hold no true merit in our cultural growth as a species.

[trixibelle-net.livejournal.com]

I have just nod-nod-nodded to every thing you wrote here. In particular the last two paragraphs. I have been wrestling myself with why I want to get married, why I want to have a wedding (similarly to you, I'm not so into the traditional etc). But what you said has pinpointed the feeling for me - the initiatory ceremony, the ritual, the changing your life and marking that change. We don't have enough magic, and a wedding is an opportunity for sharing a little of the microcosm of your relationship's magic. I feel similarly to this regarding naming ceremonies for babies. I'm not remotely religious, but I want something akin to a christening for my future kiddies. Something to welcome them into the world, something to mark the change in a life, something to share the magic.

[pixelsrzen.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're spending so much effort thinking about this. Surely at the end of it, you'll be satisfied with the result.

Tomorrow, I'm officiating my first wedding for a friend and his fiancee who really wanted the 'ritual', even though they later plan to be legally married at the courthouse. They are calling it a commitment ceremony, and it will be very intimate, only family and a few close friends.

I don't know what motivated them to go this route. My friend and I both practice Buddhism, but neither of us are ordained. It's just an acknowledgement that we share a similar outlook, and he wants to be certain that his outlook is reflected in his ceremony.

I was married very young, because it was the 'right thing to do' when your girlfriend is pregnant. We're still married, almost 30 years later, so something must be right. We made almost no decisions regarding our marriage. Our parents, especially mine, made it a show wedding of sorts for my Dad's career interests. It was nice. It just wasn't something we had planned.

Do what YOU want to do, when YOU want to do it.

Remember that despite the importance, the significance of the ritual, of the day, that things still can and will go wrong. Accept your wedding day for what it will be and enjoy it despite everything.

:)

[mysterysquid.livejournal.com]

Our wedding was entirely non-traditional. We had it in our front yard, and the reception was in the back yard (a spit roast). We were both pretty terrified by what we were *expected* to be spending.

[celestialgldfsh.livejournal.com]

When it comes down to it, it's your wedding. You don't have to force it to fit any traditional mold. I had a very simple, cheap wedding in the church I grew up in. My parents could not afford much, and my husband was newly-enlisted in the Navy and dirt poor. We did our own flowers, using fake ones from Michael's (only my bouquet was real and the flowers were purchased from a high school flower-arranging club). No catering--just a cake, and an R2-D2 cooler for drinks. No paid photographer. My dress was custom made by a local seamstress for all of $150. The whole thing cost $800.

A lot of people, even in my church, didn't approve of my marriage. They thought I was too young at 20, and it was doomed to fail. But even those people came up to my mom afterward and said it was one of the loveliest ceremonies they had ever been to. And they were shocked to say that.

Ten years later, we're still happily married.

Really... make it yours. It's your ritual, but it's what comes next that matters most.

[tori-vixen.livejournal.com]

I really like the fact that you are thinking about the fact that some can't even have what little that you can. That is a marked sign of maturity. And a sign of a good heart.

I think this whole trend of the "bridal industry" is insane. I think that you will have more fun with your modest budget as someone with three times the budget and half the IQ who only whines about what they aren't getting. (If you want to feel better watch a couple episodes of Bridezilla, Bridalplasty, or Say Yes to the Dress. It will seriously put it all into perspective.)