Anger Management

[jackshoegazer]

I've been in a bit of a funk for about a week now. No real reason, just irritable and cranky. Little annoyances are suddenly big grievances. Mountains of molehills, you know.  But today, today was pretty good.  With the exception of feeling woefully out of place in Creative Writing because my text book arrived late, I had a good day.  I'm even pretty sure I aced my algebra exam.

However:  While I was waiting at the bus stop for my ride home, I saw someone who looked so much like my friend John that for a moment I was sure it was him.  I have never seen a stranger look so much like someone else, ever.  By the time my bus came, I was sure it wasn't him but it was fucking uncanny.  Even the way he dressed and his mannerisms were very John-like.

Now, I haven't seen John since 2004.  I lived with him for two years and we went to Madison Media Institute and Goddard College together.  We wrote a novel together.  Then in 2005ish, he stopped talking to me.  No explanation, no nothing.  I would write to him, no response.  A year or so later, we had one phone call and I let it go.  Everything was fine and we vowed to stay in touch and not allow another lapse in communication.  That was the last I heard from him.  Not another word.  He deleted his MySpace profile (and then made another one.)  Messages went unanswered.  I to this day have no idea why he cut me out.

Naturally, one would assume I am hurt by this and yes, it made me quite sad that someone who I considered one of my best friends, if not my best friend (he arguably knows me better than anyone else), would just shut me out like that.  I had no idea how much.

Today, when I saw his doppleganger, I got so irrationally angry.  Not just "Oh, I'm mad." but "OMFG I am going to beat that fucker to DEATH."  The nervous system's whole fight-or-flight system leapt into action and I readied myself for a fucking brawl.  Poor stranger, had no idea he was about to be assaulted for just standing in a bus shelter.  I took stock, calmed myself and thought about what had happened and realized I haven't processed this at all.

My best friend, someone as close as family, someone I considered family, completely abandons me, which of course mirrors all of the other abandonments in my life.  It reflects my own behavior, it is part of my shadow - I do the same thing - I vanish, I disappear.  I leave people's lives.  My friends back home - I never see them.  I send them Christmas cards and exchange a rare text message.  I used to chalk it up to Rules of the Universe - our lives are the orbits of celestial bodies.  Sometimes our orbit rides parallel to another and it's great.  We exchange gravitational energies, we're a beautiful light in another's sky.  But then orbits diverge and we move on.  Is a comet sad when its orbit carries it away from a planet?  No, I said.  But now - maybe?

The question remains though - if I ever see him again, do I follow the advice of my nervous system and introduce his face to my fist or do I hope a higher power illuminates some rational function toward a peaceful solution?  Not that that's likely to happen.  Last I heard, he lives in Florida and has no reason to come to Wisconsin.  I know it's the enlightened thing to forgive but seriously, how many cheeks can I turn?

Comments

[sasha-feather.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry about your friend abandoning you. I'm glad you're thinking about it, and processing it-- this emotional work, it's important!

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks. If I just knew why, you know? It would be a lot easier to process.

[sasha-feather.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes.

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

You will probably never know why - he probably doesn't know why. I think that urge to punch him comes from wanting some sort of resolution, but that resolution is more likely to come from acceptance rather than action.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

You would be the person to know about never knowing why, huh?

Acceptance is definitely the way. I was just so surprised my how angry I got.

Thanks :)

Of course, I don't want to be accused of always making it about ME ;p

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Yeah, right, huh?

And the anger is a good thing, I should say. You have every right to be angry.

[tyskkvinna.livejournal.com]

Enlightened is great, but sometimes just letting go is better. And sometimes punching somebody in the nose is best.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

You, madame, are a bodhisattva :D

[nearlymay.livejournal.com]

Would punching him really be the end of the world? I mean, you're not going to KILL him, right? You're just going to hit him. And then he'll know you think he's a dick, and you'll feel better.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Maybe he's stalking my journal and he'll see this and know his nose is in danger of suffering punchage and then he will know he's a dick without that punch "going through the formality of actually happening." :D

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. I've had a friend disappear like that and I've always wondered what the hell happened, or rather because I have self esteem problems, what did I do to make them go away.

Sorry that you have to deal with things like that, its a bitch :(

Probably not good to punch anyone in the face, but you are right, how many times can you let it go?

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it sucks and worse, I feel extra lame that it still bothers me.

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

a big 10-4 on the feelings of lame-ness

[girlthirteen.livejournal.com]

You just gotta message the guy and tell him what a douche he is and if he was ever really your friend, he'd agree and have a laugh with you about it.

[hedonistpoet.livejournal.com]

I understand this feeling all too well.

Losing self-chosen family seems worse than those we don't choose.

[onesoul.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you were so betrayed. *sigh*

I look forward to talking to you about this in person sometime soon.

[dakini-grl.livejournal.com]

None. No more cheeks. This is the sound of you saying "Enough." Forgiveness and compassion do not leave the room just because you're angry. I think this is a perfectly acceptable way to feel about what happened.

It sounds like you're finally ready to start allowing it to be NOT OKAY when people abandon you. As someone with similar issues (I think you're on all those filters), what I've learned is that when we are abandoned when we are small, we work really hard to make it all okay for everyone, including ourselves.

Sounds like the tides are turning, and you are honoring your own feelings about this abandonment in particular (which sounds infuriatingly shitty, by the way), and being abandoned in general.

I agree, you may never get the chance to tell this guy he behaved badly. But you can tell us, and your loved ones, and you can go hit some baseballs. Physical release of the anger is crucial. Go for it.

(I also like going down to the Goodwill, buying a box of plates for cheap and throwing them against a wall. Super fun.)

[ohsochewy.livejournal.com]

Yes to the batting cages! I just wish I knew of an indoor one. Winter resentment and all :)

[okwatanzinone.livejournal.com]

This is a great reply if I say so myself. It's so easy when a person has a specific background to rationalize and blame the break on something other than the person. Like in this case you had mentioned him moving to Florida. If it were me, it would be easy to rationalize that he must be moving on with his life in another state and grant him asylum. Not doing this is right. Being angry also is a good emotion to feel. Just don't go running anyone over in that cab if you can help it.

[explodingalice.livejournal.com]

I agree, this is an excellent response, and looks deeper into what he's really dealing with than just the issue with the one friend. Good on ya.

[ohsochewy.livejournal.com]

First: wow, what a shitty thing for him to do. It'd be a lot easier for you to even consider forgiving him had you ANY inkling what had gone haywire.

Second: It's good that you recognize how this mirrors stuff you do yourself. I struggle with closeness in some ways that show up every day and some that remind me every so often -- both locals and people who have moved away. I guess the question is whether or not you WANT to be more connected with other people's lives. Does it matter more in principle, or do you miss the things that specific people bring to a relationship?

In either case (both with your friend and with your own abandonments), you have reasons to feel the way you do, and I'm sorry that it sucks.

[explodingalice.livejournal.com]

Wow. Now I am stuck in deep ponder mode about all the people I've fallen away from, or who have fallen from me.

You get mixed advice for shit like this - some people tell you to pursue it because you need closure. Other people say let it go. I'm pretty sure no one would advise you to start breaking faces.

The best I can say is that back when he was around, you tried to reforge the connection and he chose to let it lapse. You made the effort and put yourself out there. You're probably better off letting it lie.

But what the fuck do I know?

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

Frankly I think this anger response is healthy.

It's really not okay for people to do that to each other. Being very close, investing time and care into people, and then expecting to just break something off as if it never was without any reason is cruel. It was a really mean and uncaring thing for him to do to you.

Knowing you for a while I can see this is something you maybe struggle with. I think you might fear stability because you can't trust it to stick around; you expect people to leave and then when they do you're proven right.

In a way I think maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy- fear of abandonment might make you less likely to fully invest in those you care about. Then they don't feel like you really care about them that much and eventually they get frustrated and leave. And you're right about people leaving, all by your lonesome again.

It sounds like a sad and lonely way to live. It makes me want to hug you.

I wouldn't worry that you're not close with high school friends, I think it's natural to drift eventually. But I also think it's normal to miss people, to not want them to go away. I think the more important question is that if you were in town would they meet you for a drink? I think if the answer is yes then you don't need to feel bad about it.

I also feel some guilt for having been a person who left, if temporarily.

If it is any consolation: it was not easy. You are not an easy person to walk away from. I agonized and I cried and I regretted it a lot for a very long time. I eventually got a big dose of perspective thanks to your heart surgery and it proved scary enough to get me over my pride. For this I am grateful.

I'm glad I eventually came back and I was impressed that you forgave me. I believe we've ended up closer for it. Whatever comes I hope that you work through this in a way that allows you to be happy and live your life with integrity.

I have no doubt that you will do your best to fix the cracks that stop you from reflecting light perfectly. : )

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

Goodness, that got long.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Not as long as the Brooklyn Bridge?

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

I bet it could be if you really pushed it on the font and margins!