Anger Management
Jan. 27th, 2009 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackshoegazerI've been in a bit of a funk for about a week now. No real reason, just irritable and cranky. Little annoyances are suddenly big grievances. Mountains of molehills, you know. But today, today was pretty good. With the exception of feeling woefully out of place in Creative Writing because my text book arrived late, I had a good day. I'm even pretty sure I aced my algebra exam.
However: While I was waiting at the bus stop for my ride home, I saw someone who looked so much like my friend John that for a moment I was sure it was him. I have never seen a stranger look so much like someone else, ever. By the time my bus came, I was sure it wasn't him but it was fucking uncanny. Even the way he dressed and his mannerisms were very John-like.
Now, I haven't seen John since 2004. I lived with him for two years and we went to Madison Media Institute and Goddard College together. We wrote a novel together. Then in 2005ish, he stopped talking to me. No explanation, no nothing. I would write to him, no response. A year or so later, we had one phone call and I let it go. Everything was fine and we vowed to stay in touch and not allow another lapse in communication. That was the last I heard from him. Not another word. He deleted his MySpace profile (and then made another one.) Messages went unanswered. I to this day have no idea why he cut me out.
Naturally, one would assume I am hurt by this and yes, it made me quite sad that someone who I considered one of my best friends, if not my best friend (he arguably knows me better than anyone else), would just shut me out like that. I had no idea how much.
Today, when I saw his doppleganger, I got so irrationally angry. Not just "Oh, I'm mad." but "OMFG I am going to beat that fucker to DEATH." The nervous system's whole fight-or-flight system leapt into action and I readied myself for a fucking brawl. Poor stranger, had no idea he was about to be assaulted for just standing in a bus shelter. I took stock, calmed myself and thought about what had happened and realized I haven't processed this at all.
My best friend, someone as close as family, someone I considered family, completely abandons me, which of course mirrors all of the other abandonments in my life. It reflects my own behavior, it is part of my shadow - I do the same thing - I vanish, I disappear. I leave people's lives. My friends back home - I never see them. I send them Christmas cards and exchange a rare text message. I used to chalk it up to Rules of the Universe - our lives are the orbits of celestial bodies. Sometimes our orbit rides parallel to another and it's great. We exchange gravitational energies, we're a beautiful light in another's sky. But then orbits diverge and we move on. Is a comet sad when its orbit carries it away from a planet? No, I said. But now - maybe?
The question remains though - if I ever see him again, do I follow the advice of my nervous system and introduce his face to my fist or do I hope a higher power illuminates some rational function toward a peaceful solution? Not that that's likely to happen. Last I heard, he lives in Florida and has no reason to come to Wisconsin. I know it's the enlightened thing to forgive but seriously, how many cheeks can I turn?
However: While I was waiting at the bus stop for my ride home, I saw someone who looked so much like my friend John that for a moment I was sure it was him. I have never seen a stranger look so much like someone else, ever. By the time my bus came, I was sure it wasn't him but it was fucking uncanny. Even the way he dressed and his mannerisms were very John-like.
Now, I haven't seen John since 2004. I lived with him for two years and we went to Madison Media Institute and Goddard College together. We wrote a novel together. Then in 2005ish, he stopped talking to me. No explanation, no nothing. I would write to him, no response. A year or so later, we had one phone call and I let it go. Everything was fine and we vowed to stay in touch and not allow another lapse in communication. That was the last I heard from him. Not another word. He deleted his MySpace profile (and then made another one.) Messages went unanswered. I to this day have no idea why he cut me out.
Naturally, one would assume I am hurt by this and yes, it made me quite sad that someone who I considered one of my best friends, if not my best friend (he arguably knows me better than anyone else), would just shut me out like that. I had no idea how much.
Today, when I saw his doppleganger, I got so irrationally angry. Not just "Oh, I'm mad." but "OMFG I am going to beat that fucker to DEATH." The nervous system's whole fight-or-flight system leapt into action and I readied myself for a fucking brawl. Poor stranger, had no idea he was about to be assaulted for just standing in a bus shelter. I took stock, calmed myself and thought about what had happened and realized I haven't processed this at all.
My best friend, someone as close as family, someone I considered family, completely abandons me, which of course mirrors all of the other abandonments in my life. It reflects my own behavior, it is part of my shadow - I do the same thing - I vanish, I disappear. I leave people's lives. My friends back home - I never see them. I send them Christmas cards and exchange a rare text message. I used to chalk it up to Rules of the Universe - our lives are the orbits of celestial bodies. Sometimes our orbit rides parallel to another and it's great. We exchange gravitational energies, we're a beautiful light in another's sky. But then orbits diverge and we move on. Is a comet sad when its orbit carries it away from a planet? No, I said. But now - maybe?
The question remains though - if I ever see him again, do I follow the advice of my nervous system and introduce his face to my fist or do I hope a higher power illuminates some rational function toward a peaceful solution? Not that that's likely to happen. Last I heard, he lives in Florida and has no reason to come to Wisconsin. I know it's the enlightened thing to forgive but seriously, how many cheeks can I turn?
