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jackshoegazerI've been feeling kind of low in general lately, concerning just about everything. For instance...
A thought occurred to me on the bus this morning. So many of us are running around hunting for enlightenment, trying to attain some mystical state, that glorious place where all contradictions are harmonized, where one transcends the confines of space, time, and mind, to complete oneness with all, where we realize ourselves as merely awareness, pure consciousness, and merge with the totality of everything that ever was, is, and will be, and it struck me that if we're looking for this, it's because we've already been there, we've already seen it, visited this heavenly hell with the gates blown wide open, and now we're just trying to get back. If you've never had a glimpse of these divine Kodak moments, how do you know what you're looking for? And I wonder if that's not right, if we're wasting our time, our lives trying to get back something we really never lost, that we can never lose, that maybe our potential is squandered...
You get the picture. I'm sure a lot of it is the weather, which in the course of the week has gone from the pleasant chill of fall to the bone-chilling cut of winter. Jacquelyn has had an insanely busy week and thus the only adult I really speak to on a regular basis has been unavailable. We manage to get ten minutes in at the end of the night, chatting before we fall asleep, and that's been our quality time lately. I've been missing my friends who are either very far away or very busy with their own lives, or some combination of both. Every time I try to set aside time to write, something else comes up, or time just runs out, leaving me with nothing but despair that orbits the black hole that is my lack of accomplishment. I want to do things, but the hours and days slip away like a dish from wet hands. I want more than a life of broken shards.
A thought occurred to me on the bus this morning. So many of us are running around hunting for enlightenment, trying to attain some mystical state, that glorious place where all contradictions are harmonized, where one transcends the confines of space, time, and mind, to complete oneness with all, where we realize ourselves as merely awareness, pure consciousness, and merge with the totality of everything that ever was, is, and will be, and it struck me that if we're looking for this, it's because we've already been there, we've already seen it, visited this heavenly hell with the gates blown wide open, and now we're just trying to get back. If you've never had a glimpse of these divine Kodak moments, how do you know what you're looking for? And I wonder if that's not right, if we're wasting our time, our lives trying to get back something we really never lost, that we can never lose, that maybe our potential is squandered...
You get the picture. I'm sure a lot of it is the weather, which in the course of the week has gone from the pleasant chill of fall to the bone-chilling cut of winter. Jacquelyn has had an insanely busy week and thus the only adult I really speak to on a regular basis has been unavailable. We manage to get ten minutes in at the end of the night, chatting before we fall asleep, and that's been our quality time lately. I've been missing my friends who are either very far away or very busy with their own lives, or some combination of both. Every time I try to set aside time to write, something else comes up, or time just runs out, leaving me with nothing but despair that orbits the black hole that is my lack of accomplishment. I want to do things, but the hours and days slip away like a dish from wet hands. I want more than a life of broken shards.
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Date: 2006-10-13 10:16 am (UTC)