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jackshoegazerI've been feeling kind of low in general lately, concerning just about everything. For instance...
A thought occurred to me on the bus this morning. So many of us are running around hunting for enlightenment, trying to attain some mystical state, that glorious place where all contradictions are harmonized, where one transcends the confines of space, time, and mind, to complete oneness with all, where we realize ourselves as merely awareness, pure consciousness, and merge with the totality of everything that ever was, is, and will be, and it struck me that if we're looking for this, it's because we've already been there, we've already seen it, visited this heavenly hell with the gates blown wide open, and now we're just trying to get back. If you've never had a glimpse of these divine Kodak moments, how do you know what you're looking for? And I wonder if that's not right, if we're wasting our time, our lives trying to get back something we really never lost, that we can never lose, that maybe our potential is squandered...
You get the picture. I'm sure a lot of it is the weather, which in the course of the week has gone from the pleasant chill of fall to the bone-chilling cut of winter. Jacquelyn has had an insanely busy week and thus the only adult I really speak to on a regular basis has been unavailable. We manage to get ten minutes in at the end of the night, chatting before we fall asleep, and that's been our quality time lately. I've been missing my friends who are either very far away or very busy with their own lives, or some combination of both. Every time I try to set aside time to write, something else comes up, or time just runs out, leaving me with nothing but despair that orbits the black hole that is my lack of accomplishment. I want to do things, but the hours and days slip away like a dish from wet hands. I want more than a life of broken shards.
A thought occurred to me on the bus this morning. So many of us are running around hunting for enlightenment, trying to attain some mystical state, that glorious place where all contradictions are harmonized, where one transcends the confines of space, time, and mind, to complete oneness with all, where we realize ourselves as merely awareness, pure consciousness, and merge with the totality of everything that ever was, is, and will be, and it struck me that if we're looking for this, it's because we've already been there, we've already seen it, visited this heavenly hell with the gates blown wide open, and now we're just trying to get back. If you've never had a glimpse of these divine Kodak moments, how do you know what you're looking for? And I wonder if that's not right, if we're wasting our time, our lives trying to get back something we really never lost, that we can never lose, that maybe our potential is squandered...
You get the picture. I'm sure a lot of it is the weather, which in the course of the week has gone from the pleasant chill of fall to the bone-chilling cut of winter. Jacquelyn has had an insanely busy week and thus the only adult I really speak to on a regular basis has been unavailable. We manage to get ten minutes in at the end of the night, chatting before we fall asleep, and that's been our quality time lately. I've been missing my friends who are either very far away or very busy with their own lives, or some combination of both. Every time I try to set aside time to write, something else comes up, or time just runs out, leaving me with nothing but despair that orbits the black hole that is my lack of accomplishment. I want to do things, but the hours and days slip away like a dish from wet hands. I want more than a life of broken shards.
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Date: 2006-10-13 07:08 am (UTC)pendulum swings
Date: 2006-10-13 08:13 am (UTC)I currently wonder why I'm having such a miserable time trying to take it back there, the trying is is the miserable part.
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Date: 2006-10-13 10:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-13 12:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-13 12:28 pm (UTC)the problem with having a day job is that it cuts a quarter of your life out of your control. then sleep takes a third. commuting takes another chunk, as well as eating, showering, etc. it's very easy to feel like you never get to LIVE.
i don't know how to fix that yet, let me know if you have any ideas. so far all i can think of is to quit my job and move to another country and start my own business.....
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Date: 2006-10-13 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-13 11:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-14 02:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-14 08:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 03:27 am (UTC)I do hope you're feeling in better spirits soon!
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:53 am (UTC)"I feel the wind blowing wings I've forgotten how to feel.
Giving me a sad sweet reminder of the life that was real.
Oh it hasn't left me, it never has, It waits for me silent and still. It's just that I, forgot the way to surrender to it's will.
It can't be chained, and woe to the hand that makes bold to bid or control, I forgot to let go, gave into fear and now it takes it's toll. Mmmm.
I'm not fallen and I'm not mean, niether exalted and in the light. I'm in the bitter in-between and desparing at my plight.
I want to dance to the song of songs that every moment sings...hear it's music in my breathe and the life it's fire brings.
I will get up one day and fly into that celestial day. Unfettered by doubt, or fear or pain and show my people the way.
I feel the wind blowing wings I've forgotten how to feel.
Giving me a sad sweet reminder of the life that was real.
Oh it hasn't left me, it never has, It waits for me silent and still. It's just that I, forgot the way to surrender to it's will."
Almost sounds like Bob Dylan in my head.