jackshoegazer | What do you call it when lords break off door-knockers and beat policemen?

As you can see by my previous post, or for those of you reading in reverse chronological order, the next post, I have made a separate post of my FIFTY BOOK CHALLENGE list which I will just update every time I finish a book rather than reposting the list every so often.

Good idea, methinks. Jacquelyn's idea. I stole it. Smart girl.

Jacquelyn is gone. To Vermont. She'll be back for a few hours on the 18th and then she's off again to Indiana for a research trip until the 24th or so. All in all, she'll be gone for about three weeks.

Why are you looking at me like that? I miss her, so what? You wanna fight about it?!

We kissed goodbye as she boarded a VanGalder bus headed for Chicago's Midway airport in a sleep-deprived blurry early morning.

As far as keeping myself busy while she's gone, I had the initial intention of starting a novel, but more and more ideas are coming to me about it every day now. It's solidifying in my mind in a way I've never experienced. Each day it expands and grows and I worry I should be keeping notes, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

Perhaps I'll write a short story just to be practical. Maybe I'll have it be an audience participation piece. You offer up three characters, names, characteristics, likes dislikes and maybe a setting and I'll tackle it. Don't be a hog now, don't suggest the whole story, just a thing or two. Let everyone have a turn.

Speaking of which, when you were trick-or-treating as a kid 1) did you ever do the trick part for those who didn't cough up the treats? and 2) when those people left out the bowls that said "Just Take One!" did you ever 'just take one'?

Watched the film version of The World According to Garp. Because watching the book is boring unless you're turning the pages. John Lithgow plays a good tranny. I still can't get Robin-Williams-the-coke-fiend out of my head, so it was hard to imagine him as a young kid. He looked old even then. Read the book, it was so much better.

I also watched The Aristocrats. Hilarious if you're not offended by the most obscene humor you will ever hear. I suppose if I were going to tell this joke, I might tell it like this:

A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

The man says, "But, this is really special."

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

He replies, "Ok, I come out on stage dressed as Voltron. My wife drops down from the ceiling on a trapeze and starts doing a sexy striptease to the Fish Heads by Tiny Tim while I do cartwheels back and forth across the stage."

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Once my wife is naked, our five year old son Billy comes out in a diaper, crying his eyes out. My wife scoops him up and starts breastfeeding him. Then our teenage daughter Ruth comes out on stage pushing a wheel barrel full of dog food, screaming 'PUPPY! IT'S TIME TO EAT! Then our St. Bernard, Doofus, drops down from the ceiling and lands on her head."

The man smiles as he recalls, "Get this, her head, it goes up the dog's ass! Yes it does! Then Voltron, that's me, who has been doing minor acrobatics the whole time, comes to the rescue, but I trip over my breastfeeding wife and my dick gets caught in her nose! I try to pull it out, but it just jams further in and it goes through her nasal cavity and out her mouth. She bites down in surprise and I scream and start pulling away, spinning in a circle, but she's not letting go, so my breastfeeding wife, holding our son Billy is flying through the air attached to my dick as I spin in circles!"

"The dog is so frightened by this, he starts pissing everywhere. I slip and fall, knocking over Ruth and the dog, so me, the wife and Billy and Ruth and the dog all come tumbling in a heap on the stage. Billy gets up and hops on the dog, which, of course, Ruth's head is still stuck in it's ass, and starts riding it around the stage, yelling 'Giddiyup, horsy!' while dragging Ruth behind them."

"My wife unlaces my penis from her nasal and throat cavities and I immediately hop onto the family train, shoving my bent and wobbly penis in my trailing daughter's cunt. I'm going to town, fucking her while Doofus drags us all around the stage. My wife blows a whistle and holds out her hand like a traffic cop. We come to a stop and pull Ruth's head out of the dog's ass and realize she isn't breathing, that she is in fact dead."

"We all look horrified and ashamed and start crying, screaming about the injustice of it all. Just then, get this, JESUS! Yes, the Son of God, our Lord himself comes down from the ceiling and brings her back to life then cums on her face!"

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

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From:

kiwikat.livejournal.com

i hated that movie so much. i'm sorry but i couldn't get past paragraph two of your version. the movie just pissed me off way too much.

any day you feel like hanging out just say the word. being lonely can get old, and we have a charcoal grill suitable for roasting the carcasses of dead animals.

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What do you call it when lords break off door-knockers and beat policemen?

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