Collegiate Background and Patterns

[jackshoegazer]

I have always excelled in the artistic realms. Shortly before I graduated high school, I was offered a partial scholarship to an art school in New Mexico. I thought, "Hey, I'm good at art, I'll go to art school!"

However, about the same time, I discovered that I was going to join the rank and file of teen parents all over this great land. I forwent college to be a responsible father. I got a job with insurance, etc... and attempted to do the family bit with my girlfriend and our son. So the Universe says to me, "No, Jeremy, no art education or degree for you."

This came to a crashing halt when my girlfriend left me for her abusive ex-boyfriend. I was left in the realm of single-parenthood with a three-month old son. Da baby-momma and I shared time and expenses, but alas, the family life was not for me, said the Universe.

Fast forward five years of child-rearing, life-living, crazy-living, and miscellany-studying. Suddenly Ethan is going to start kindergarten. I use the opportunity to do what I'd been thinking about for quite a while. In these five years, I've become quite proficient at graphic design, espeically with Photoshop. I just started doing it as a hobby, but soon was heaped with praise for my skill.

I applied for graphics jobs and many of them said that my portfolio was great, but they couldn't hire me without at least a two-year degree. So with Ethan going to school, I agreed to let Ethan stay with his mom during the week, I would take him on weekends. Though, this was le suck, I realized I needed to do something to better myself and this was the best opportunity to have the time to go to school.

Thusly, I enrolled at Madison Media Institute, with the agenda of recieving an Associate in Multimedia Technology, with a full curriculum of graphic design, web design, video production, and sound engineering. The school had just built a new facility, upgraded all their computers, updated all their software, gotten accredited, expanded their faculty, etc... I thought, "Hey, I'm good at graphics, I'll go to a graphic school!" Sounds like a good idea, right?

Unfortunately, they apparently forgot to advertise because their enrollment was quite low, and about the middle of my second semester, they ran out of money. Because of this, they stopped paying the teachers, who didn't have contracts. They'd been friends of the owner of the school, and were working for him on a handshake-type deal. The teachers banded together to form a union and get contracts, pay, you know, all the accoutrements of a teaching job. The school then proceeded lock-down Nazi-style and began searching teachers desks for "stolen" equipment, harassing them, interrupting classes, resulting in the firing of the head of my department, and then the acting head quit in protest.

I made it through three semesters and was forced out because 1) I could not morally justify giving my money to the people who would treat their staff like that and 2) the atmosphere at the school was so noxious, it was impossible to get anything done. So the Universe says to me, "No, Jeremy, no graphics education or degree for you."

Since high school, I'd been interested in psychology, religion, mythology, spirituality, etc... and had studied these subjects with the utmost vigor and comprehension. I met people with degrees in psychology or comparative religion who weren't as well read or informed as I was and I began to think, in the aftermath of the MMI fiasco, that perhaps I should persue my degree in this direction. I've often been sought out for advice and knowledge and many-a-person had told me that talking to me was quite easy and they felt better for it. I thought, "Hey, I love studying various esoterica, I'll get a degree in that!" This line of reasoning led me to Goddard College.

Goddard seemed like the ultimate idea for me. It was an intensive residency B.A. program. I would be able to design my own degree around what I was interested in, without wasting time and money on other classes I didn't want to take. Plus, the structure was perfect. You go to Goddard for a week at the beginning of the semester, attend workshops and seminars, while working with an advisor, someone with a Ph.D. in whatever you're studying, to design a fifteen-week at-home study curriculum. Every three weeks, you send a packet of papers, study notes, etc... to your advisor. Really, it would be no different than what I had been doing; I'd still be studying and taking notes, only I'd have to send my results to someone. Does this not sound like the perfect school for a single father?

Well, not really. My first hint that something was fishy was my first day there when they told me that there were no grades. "What?" I said. No grades. Just feedback. It's the journey, not the destination, and all that jazz. Apparently, I'd stumbled into some uber-liberal hippy school. Eeek! Even the transcripts are long essays about the student's growth, written by the advisor, so most schools don't have a damned clue how to transfer the credits over. God, deliver me from this hell. But hey, I’ll give it my best shot.

And I did. Except my advisor was le suck. Other students got back pages upon pages of interaction with their advisor. I got a paragraph of condescension. I thought maybe it was just me, until I found out all this advisor's students were getting the same shrift treatment. I persevered and did my studying, while slowly discovering that studying these esoteric subjects was much more enjoyable when I didn't have to do it.

At the same time, I was temporarily living with my father and his wife, the step-woman. They married long after I'd been out of the house, so I'd never lived with her before. Apparently living with her is like having a Marine drill sergeant in the house. Over the few months I lived there, I was accosted a number of times, seemingly random by the step-woman barging into my room and accusing me of being a liar/thief/alcoholic/drug abuser/Satanist. Pick and choose any combination you'd like, it made it impossible to study at home because of the constant interruptions.

So. I finished my semester and apparently got the Goddard equivalent of an A. I elected to skip a semester to save money and get out of my parents house, which I promptly did. I then found out that none of my advisor's students returned because they were all so put-off by his treatment. I found myself loathing the idea of returning, so I didn't. So the Universe says to me, "No, Jeremy, no metaphysical education or degree for you."

Now, this brings you up to the relative present. I've been working and writing. In between MMI and Goddard, I wrote my first novel and since then have been writing short stories and compiling ideas for more novels. I've been published a little here and there and have come to realize that if there has been one steady path throughout my life, it has been my writing. I honestly believe with a little work, a lot more submitting and perseverance, I could be a successful writer. And here's where the problem comes in.

After thinking, "Hey, I'm good at something, I should go to school for it." and the Universe saying, "Oh, no! Bad idea!" I'm contemplating whether this is a pattern that will yet again repeat itself, because I'm thinking, "Hey, I'm good at writing, I'll get my MFA!" I'd rather not even start if the Universe is going to smack me down and say, "No, Jeremy, no literary education or degree for you!"

See, I've come to realize that having an MFA is like knowing the secret Freemason handshake in the publishing world. It's easier to do everything, from getting an agent to winning contests. However, many, many writers say that if there is one thing a writer should never do it take a writing course. Look at Dan Brown. He teaches writing at some New England prep school and his writing is le suck.

So, what do I do? Do I try yet another school, defying what the Universe seems to be telling? Has it killed all of my previous attempts because that was not my path? Am I just afraid of yet another failure? Perhaps because writing is the last thing that is left to me that I am inherently good at and love, am I afraid to lose that too? Do I take the plunge and go? Do I try to forge my way into publication without the benefit of secret handshakes?

I'm filling out my application for school, but I don't want to fill it out or write my letter with half-a-heart. If I do this, I want to do it like I do everything else, pouring myself into it, with complete and total vim.

Comments

[anubis75.livejournal.com]

have you thrown an I-Ching for this yet?

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Nope, nor a tarot yet either. I'm trying to see what I come up with before I dive into my divination practices. But thanks for reminding me, I might have forgotten.

And did you really read that whole damned thing?!

[anubis75.livejournal.com]

No problem, and yes I really read the whole damn thing.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Wow, I didn't really think anyone would read all that. I'm half tempted, with minor alterrations, to send this is as my application letter :P

[moonshinekat.livejournal.com]

i say go for it

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

i read the whole thing but i don't know what to tell you. if you decide to go back you'll have my full support, and if you don't i'll understand.

if you're moving to madison anyway it would be a lot easier for you to go back.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

It's true, the situation I'll be in will work very well for returning to school. It will be a relative breeze. I won't have to work two jobs like I did at MMI or live with a raging lunatic like I did at Goddard.

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

I think you should view this as its own, new opportunity. You have to take a certain amount of responsibility for your own choices, past and present, and not always take a passive role. Michael Chabon said that writing is about luck, talent, and effort- since effort is the only thing you can control, you have to put as much in as you can and just trust in the other two.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

See, I made my choices, active choices to go to school and there was nothing passive in the way those experiences feel apart. I put my full effort into making them work. Yes, I could have compromised myself to keep going, but at what expense? My morality, my family and sanity? Price is a bit too high for what I was getting out of that education. But as you say, this is something new, but it's that same pattern repeating that I'm worried about. I hate reruns, I hate doing the same thing twice.

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

I guess I mean more that you made past choices to pursue something and they didn't work out- don't take that necessarily as an end-all sign from the universe, but rather your own choice not to compromise yourself, your morality, your family, your sanity. Sometimes you seem to portray it as a choice, other times the Universe telling you "no." Everything about this circumstance is different. You don't even need to study writing at first if you're really worried about it- give yourself the chance to try and learn as much as you can at first. And don't do it just for the "secret handshake" factor...if you don't view it as potentially a positive experience- an opportunity to learn- it won't be one. You have to be open to the Lessons, to embrace them. I'll give you a reading tonight if you like, via IM. Or LJ.

[violet-meeks.livejournal.com]

I'm going to be in the minority here and say don't do it. You've gotten your foot in the door of the big bad world of published writers. That's the hardest step for any of us. The degree is not a secret handshake. And who knows, when you have to study it it won't be as fun as with metaphysical studies.

Go with what your good at. You really don't need a degree to write. You can or you can't and you can.

[jenmarya.livejournal.com]

Hear, hear.

[sheepfugue.livejournal.com]

Hey, saw you on Lysistrata's friends...Having worked in publishing I wouldn't say people are particularly impressed by MFA's. Or contests for that matter. Unless it gets you a quote from some really well-known author.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that. I've always thought that arbitrary pieves of paper shouldn't matter and skill/style/talent should speak for itself. And that's what I'm sort of banking on.

[ang69.livejournal.com]

I've always thought that being taught how to write is the best way to lose all ability and talent to do so.

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

I think there's a fundamental difference between being taught to write and being encouraged to write and receiving regular and varied feedback on a regular basis.

[ang69.livejournal.com]

I won't disagree.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

A lot of writers say that the worst thing you can do is take a writing course. However, I can see the value of writing regularly. And I think I'm confident enough in my skills and style to not be crushed by people who just don't get it and think I have to write a certain way to be successful.

[anima.livejournal.com]

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide. I can relate to your fear. I've changed my major a few times for various reasons. I still want to do it again sometimes, but I am starting to believe that it doesn't matter as much as I once thought. I'm at a point where I just want to finish. In the end I imagine we do what we were meant to do no matter what degree we have or don't have.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've realized the problem is that i have to change my motivation. In the earlier cases, my motivation wansn't really to learn, but to get a piece of paper. If I shift my motivation for going to school to learning and bettering myself, expanding my knowledge and self-awareness, then it's a valid and worthy endeavor. Otherwise, it's just ego-driven and shallow, pandering to the expectation of a society I disagree with usually.

[gutzilla.livejournal.com]

That was really interesting, I hope it all goes well with your writing. But whatever an MFA could do for you, you only really need talent and luck. And don't forget that however much Dan Brown sucks, he still has a million billion dollars :)

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

I think you do what you have to do. i think if this is your passion you should go for it. alot of great writters have no formal training, but if you feel you want to go for it.

really you have to go after your passion in life no matter what you think the universe is trying to say,... really how often do mere mortals interpret the universe correctly?

oodles of support from this tiny corner of the universe
~britt

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

how often do mere mortals interpret the universe correctly?


Ah, thanks for reminding me.