My Momentary Clout of Doubt.

[jackshoegazer]

I already feel like a complete ass concerning my last post. I hate that I let those momentary clouts of doubt get to me. I almost typed clot instead of clout, but that's really closer to what it is, a blockage. It's little clots like this; they get in the way of proper energetic expression and I have no choice but to purge it, and sometimes I get stuck on them.

Even here, I realize that I'm apologizing for an emotional outburst. I want to know what it is that compels me to feel embarassed when expressing less-than-positive emotions.

I have the habit of trying to put the best foot forward, to make the best impression, which means not showing weakness, vulnerability or negativity. This has been a progressive function of this journal. I barely know most of you, because of which its even more important that I not appear in an unfavorable light. (My close friends sometimes get the whole kit-n-kaboodle.) So the fact that I purge my darkness here, that I say and express all the moods I hide from most people, is, well, important.

Perhaps it's because I grew up in a family that never discussed anything, let alone emotional subjects. But that's not really an excuse, and I don't use it as one. I'm actually quite emotionally expressive with the people I know best and mre importantly, the people who know me best.

See, now I want to apologize again for this rambling emotional knot I've weaved here. I need to remember that my emotions are valid, but not to indulge or get lost in them.

Comments

[cowabunga-tmnt.livejournal.com]

most likely not what you're looking for, but you have a way of wording things that is much better than me so my response is "me too" to the last 4 paragraphs.

[tekelili.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with expressing yourself in a journalistic medium, that is quite an acceptable purpose for it. And it's not like you were being angsty for no reason, and in fact, I found much of the post, particularily the end, quite inspirational.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found it helpful. If I'm angsty, I'll usually acknowledge the reason. Even if I don't have one, I'll say, shit, I feel like ass and I don't know why!

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

I feel this way very frequently! Especially in reguards to my live journal posts. I think it's because I am critisised most frequently and have lost the most "friends" because I "bring them down". I am an expressive person.. I can't help that. I am frequently told to "keep my chin up" and "smile" when feeling that way... even though those doing those things cause me to bottle it all up. Well, homie ain't goin' out like that!!! I, today, choose to surround myself with actually friends that don't critisise or abandon me when I am depressed.. (Because we all know how much sense that fucking makes!)

I am glad to hear that your are feeling better, though! :)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I feel great today. Dark night of the soul and all that ;) As of May 1st, I implimented major changes in my lifestyle and behaviour and the payoff has finally started and I think I was feeling the death-throws of my previous self. Now that it's dead, this new me can stretch a bit :)

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

Good to know. Change is usually brutal but usually the best bet, too! :)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Change is like love which can bring about both the best and the worst in all of us.

Burtal, yes, but necessary :)

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

Agreed....

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

hehe, burtal :P BRUTAL!

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

See.. I never would have noticed until you pointed it out! :)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Burtal's such a funny word. Ithink I'll use it as a name for a character in a story.