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jackshoegazerTomorrow, we leave for our great road trip to Vermont.
Thus, today will be spent in preparation - cleaning so we come home to a worry-free house, packing, buying supplies (like a cooler full of Trader Joe's snacks and sandwich fixins), refilling medications. You know, the usual.
This will be the third time I've driven to Vermont. I flew twice.
On Thursday, Jacquelyn and I went to Ethan's 8th grade graduation. Some of the kids had put together a film over the course of the year which was pretty awesome. Afterward, there was a dance and then Ethan spent the night at a friend's house.
It is very strange to have Ethan be so independent. Letting go has been really difficult. I always thought his youngest years would be the hardest and it would just get easier over time, but it seems to be the opposite. I have to constantly readjust what kind of parent I am based on what kind of parent he needs as he gets older.
His mother (who always complains when she doesn't know about some school function, but never goes when she's invited, and then tries to guilt-trip Ethan about 'cutting her out of his life') is making the mistake of treating him like a child. She acts as though he stopped aging at year eight.
One of the hard parts is that I have to now trust that my choices about his upbringing have endowed him with the ability to make his own intelligent choices.
Sometimes I worry and think I was a better parent to a little kid. It was actually kind of easy. Even the whole teen-parent/being poor thing. It wasn't as bad as I was warned. It wasn't a walk in the park on rose petals either, but I was good at it. Being a parent to a teenager is difficult.
Only four more years before he finishes high school and goes off to college. And I'll see less and less of him over those four years. It seems strange to be nostalgic in that empty-nest way at ye olde thirty-one.
Thus, today will be spent in preparation - cleaning so we come home to a worry-free house, packing, buying supplies (like a cooler full of Trader Joe's snacks and sandwich fixins), refilling medications. You know, the usual.
This will be the third time I've driven to Vermont. I flew twice.
On Thursday, Jacquelyn and I went to Ethan's 8th grade graduation. Some of the kids had put together a film over the course of the year which was pretty awesome. Afterward, there was a dance and then Ethan spent the night at a friend's house.
It is very strange to have Ethan be so independent. Letting go has been really difficult. I always thought his youngest years would be the hardest and it would just get easier over time, but it seems to be the opposite. I have to constantly readjust what kind of parent I am based on what kind of parent he needs as he gets older.
His mother (who always complains when she doesn't know about some school function, but never goes when she's invited, and then tries to guilt-trip Ethan about 'cutting her out of his life') is making the mistake of treating him like a child. She acts as though he stopped aging at year eight.
One of the hard parts is that I have to now trust that my choices about his upbringing have endowed him with the ability to make his own intelligent choices.
Sometimes I worry and think I was a better parent to a little kid. It was actually kind of easy. Even the whole teen-parent/being poor thing. It wasn't as bad as I was warned. It wasn't a walk in the park on rose petals either, but I was good at it. Being a parent to a teenager is difficult.
Only four more years before he finishes high school and goes off to college. And I'll see less and less of him over those four years. It seems strange to be nostalgic in that empty-nest way at ye olde thirty-one.
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 02:44 pm (UTC)To me, it seems like it would be harder now that he's a teenager. Now, to some extent, you have to depend on him to protect himself from the world. I think that would be really hard.
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Date: 2009-06-16 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-01 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 06:21 pm (UTC)it's hard being a parent: all around.
I think it's important for kids to be independent, or at least independent at age-appropriate levels. then they can check back if they need to, get some skills, etc. learning is all about the hard way!
high school can be a challenge. there's a book for parents out there about "boy culture" herm... called .. "Real boys." it's about what culture/schools are teaching boys about what it means to be "men" and "masculine."
it's worth checking out.
I take you & Ethan's mom are no longer together? that's hard. it's also hard to know when to stop treating your kid "like a kid" and start treating them "like a person/adult" etc. it sounds like you're being deliberate about it, so kudos to you!
:) drive safe.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-01 03:02 am (UTC)Ethan's mum & I split when he was 3 months old. (I got dumped so she could go back to her abusive ex.)
Thanks :)
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Date: 2009-07-01 05:51 pm (UTC)the website is:
http://www.williampollack.com/
the book is Real Boys: Rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood.
http://www.williampollack.com/real_boys_intro.html
I read Reviving Ophelia and this is more or less its companion.
ummmm.... let's see.... have to get back to your photo posts.
my grandmother divorced my grandfather in 1941 because he had started hitting their children (my dad's side.) he wasn't out of their lives though - it's not the half of it. (maybe I'll post about it flocked.)
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Date: 2009-06-17 02:09 am (UTC)Parenting gets easier and more difficult as they get older, I've found. There are no more night feedings or diaper changes or bottles to bring along, and you don't need to sit through Barney movies, but you do need to try to raise a responsible person, a courteous person, a person able to support him/herself, a person with decent values. Only so much of it can be done by example; a lot has to be done with conversation and leaving the lines of communication open is vital, I've found.
It hasn't worked at all with our eldest. She's away at university and will be 20 this year. Our son's 17 and can and does talk to us about everything and the jury is still out for our 11 year old daughter. The best we can say about all three of them is that we have always tried damned hard to be the best parents we can be, which I think is what is the best anyone can aspire to.
Allie.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-17 02:59 am (UTC)Brian's dad did some of that treating-like-a-child stuff. He still does occasionally, and so does Joan. She was horrified that I'm having someone I met on the INTERNET come camping with us for the 4th. Because the internet is full of freaks! ALL OF US!
Sorry, OT.
At least being the youngest means you will always win the bikini contests when you get together with the rest of his friends' parents.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-17 11:19 am (UTC)That said, I also enjoy parenting much more now... Matthew and I have interesting conversations and have more complex responses to each other and a more rewarding relationship as well. I'm not to any point yet of having to let go in any hugely significant way though since he hasn't yet hit 8, and I have no idea how well I will do with that. So kudos to you for having such a fine young son and doing so very well with that balancing act. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-17 11:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-01 02:53 am (UTC)Are you collecting your apartment stuff now or later when you actually have your own place?
Also, do you need a "boombox"?
no subject
Date: 2009-07-01 06:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-01 03:59 pm (UTC)Whenever is fine with me. I'm home most of the day tomorrow. I am also fine with holding on to everything until you get a place (so you don't have to move it twice.)