God bless you, Mitch Hedberg...
Jan. 30th, 2006 12:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackshoegazerI went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!"
I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!."
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you...feed you a leaf."
This shit is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like...a sword.
I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!"
I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!."
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you...feed you a leaf."
This shit is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like...a sword.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 07:26 am (UTC)this shirt is dry clean only. which means it is dirty.
Rest in Peace Mitch.. you are sorely missed
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Date: 2006-01-31 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-01-31 05:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 01:50 am (UTC)1) Bill Hicks
2) Mitch Hedberg
Ok, well, I don't know who the rest are, but they're funny too.
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Date: 2006-01-31 02:05 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-02-04 06:36 pm (UTC)Ive never before heard of Mr. Hedberg, Ill have to check him out.
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Date: 2006-02-06 11:10 pm (UTC)