467 x 56 = late.

[jackshoegazer]

Not a good morning.

I just found out that Ethan is failing math. Not because he doesn't understand, but because of late or missing assignments. When I presented Ethan with the list of assignments, he got very upset, saying he already handed in a lot of them and the only reason they were late was because they were from days when he was sick. He's a very smart child, so what could the problem be?

This always happens when his mother is his main go-to for school. Because of my car problems, I've not been around as much the last couple of months, and this is what happens. In the third grade, when he was with her more for school, he had this problem all the time. She can't keep him on task, because she can't keep herself on task. She never checks his assignments, never goes over his work, apparently never even checks to see if he has homework.

It also doesn't help that he's got a bad case of the absent-minded genius. When I became his main contact for school last year, suddenly his grades sky-rocketed back to respectable levels. Remember earlier last year, when his mother was complaining that she felt left out because I had so much to do with his schooling? She takes a more active role, supposedly, and this is what happens.

I told Ethan to tell his teacher I would stop in after school to talk to her about this. Now that my car is back to normal, functioning order, I will make sure I'm around to get him back on track. I've never thought myself much of an authoritarian, a provider of structure, but compared to his mother, I'm apparently an entire skeletal system.

This is the part of being a parent that I never anticipated, which brings out aspects of myself I wouldn't normally attribute to my personality. That's good, right?

Comments

[kiwikat.livejournal.com]

you're a good father and you're doing the right thing. i think she's demonstrated she can't handle the responsiblity of dealing with ethan's homework (which is sad, because he's in elementary school and a grown woman can't keep track of his work?).

don't feel bad about it, you were trying to do right by her. now you're going to do the right thing by ethan and help get him back on track because that's what a good parent does.

i've said it before, i'll say it again, you're a good dad. you tried to let her be a good mom and she failed in this respect. that is not your fault.

hope all goes well with the teacher. : ) see you tonight?

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Everything went well with le teach and Ethan's getting caught up on his work right now. He's got a lot of catch-up work, not including the missing pieces he says he already did, which the teacher is looking for. He's quite upset to learn about his grade because he thought he was doing better this quarter. He needs some affection and support right now.

So, no I won't be coming to dinner. I'll be helping/monitoring Ethan's homework, which will take well past the 6:00pm I would have to leave by to get there for dinner. I'm sorry, and hopefully we can make it up next week, now that my car is back and Ethan should be caught up and rebalanced.

[matt120.livejournal.com]

There's a big difference between authoritative and authoritarian. I can't imagine you being the latter.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Ah, very good point, thank you. What a tiny but powerful distinction!

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

I agree whole-heartedly. One thing a lot of "young" parents have issue with is discipline- they want to be the "cool" parent, they don't want make kids do what they don't want to do- clean their room, do their homework. You'd be surprised at how many parents come into Borders asking for Cliff's Notes or audiobooks for an assigned reading. I'll tell them "the book is great," or, "As your bookseller, I will say that these are meant to be used in conjunction with reading the book, not by themselves." The parents usually say "yeah, but he hates to read, and I really can't bring myself to making him- I just want to be the cool parent, you know?" A lot of parents want to be their childrens' best friends, which is really selfish on their part; kids don't need a best friend, the need a parent. That doesn't mean you can't be loving, or playful, which of course you already know.

Something to think about- it seems like Ethan has a lot of sick days, but that could just be my perception. My sister has "phantom" stomach aches, and stays home sick a lot, and doesn't keep up on her homework as a consequence. With her a lot of it is psychological, and I wonder about Ethan as well.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

See, I AM the "cool" parent, but I'm also very open with him and have explained that yes, I am a friend, but I am also a parent, and it's my job to prepare him to survive in the world, and that means teaching him a lot and guiding him, which unfortunately means that I have to lay-down-the-law, and dish out punishments for 'bad' behaviour. I've sort of taken down that seemingly-insurrmountable wall of parent/child and made him aware of that power dynamic, made him a partner in shaping his rearing-years. Plus, I've often told him that parents can learn just as much from their children and we can both help eachother to become better people as we get older.
Unconventional, I know, but I don't treat him like a child in a lot of ways, yet, allow him total freedom to be childish, so he's in a way, a lot like me, very mature, yet still alive and vibrant with that glow of youth and the twinkle of mischief in our eyes.

[jenmarya.livejournal.com]

I waited 40 years to have a child, carefully choosing a guy I trust/ respect to avoid this kind of thing. Just reading this makes my stomach knot up. I just really wish for all three of you that it wouldn't have to be about her at all and could just be about Ethan. As long as she isn't doing anything actively to prevent him from accomplishing things, it isn't her fault, right? (Dunno any parent who checks their child's every assignment, btw.) Ultimately Ethan is responsible for Ethan, right? I mean, Ethan can play you two against each other with this lack-of-structure thing ad nauseam, right, and avoid all responsibility by passing the buck back and forth? He wouldn't do that, I'm sure, but it's a dynamic to avoid like the plague. How you three interact is a hell of a lot more important than a grade.

When my parents split up and then my mom remarried, my dad faded a bit into the woodwork. Later, around the time I was almost institutionalized for anorexia, he told me that he thought he didn't have to be there since I had a new father, and more to the point, he wished he had been able to teach me the beauty and symmetry of mathematics. I really don't know how math would have improved my life, but having all three parents really be there for me without all their sharp angles between them would have helped immeasurably.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Ah, see he isn't playing angles here. His mother is just very lax about his homework, because she forgets too. At my place, the rule is that homework is done before anything else, whereas at her place, she says, "Oh, do it later!" and then forgets to make sure he did it later. He's only ten, so I don't see a problem with checking to make sure he got his work done. He's at the age where he's just starting to form his own study habits and I'd rather him be quite dilligent about them, hence enforcing the structure now, and then his mother undermines all that by not paying attention to it. Then she gets into arguments with him, assuming that at ten, he should already have these miraculously rigid study habits that she's never had, ever.

This is why I'm taking primary custody after this year, so I can best gethim ready for his later years of schooling and I can be there full-time for him.

[jenmarya.livejournal.com]

Oh okay, with "do it later," she actively undermines his intent to work. That's a horse of another color.

[schmecky.livejournal.com]

The fact that you're stepping up and dealing with it like a parent is all anyone needs to know to see how lucky Ethan is to have you.

I had homework problems in math, and I turned out fabulous... He will too :)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I hear so many stories about parents who just don't get involved. My parents were like that... they went to one parent/teacher confrence my whole life. They never had a clue what was going on in school, and I don't think they much cared.. Get good grades or suffer my wrath. That sort of deal, since, if I was getting good grades, they didn't have to do anything parental.

Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them :)

[bry4n.livejournal.com]

jeremy i am proud of you. you have, naturally, became a good father, interested and honestly motivated in helping your kid every which way you can so he's the best he can be.

as long as i've known you and ethan, he's always been a priority in your life. he is and will continue to be a lucky kid in that regard.

actually, him and benjamin both have awesomely dedicated dads! [your higher power here] knows the world could really use more of those.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Thanks Bryan :) I sometimes lose that perspective but then have to remember, especially when I see how a lot of other kid's parents are, that I am doing a great job and everything will be fine.

Now, why the hell didn't you show up for NYE?! BASTARD!! BWAAHAHHAHHAAA!