Dreams, Relationships, & Introspection

[jackshoegazer]

Yes, dear reader, I slept at night again. From 11pm to 6am. That's like a world record for me lately. The only thing I have to report is that I dreamt that malice_bd and I were a long-term, monogamous couple. I can't remember any details of the dream, just that it was pretty mundane relationship stuff. Lounging, shopping, socializing and lots of witty banter. Just general emotional and intellectual intimacy. Very odd, since I don't know her at all and have only exchanged a few comments. Very odd.

That makes two relationship-related dreams I've had this week, which I have no idea how to interpret. However, both dreams have had a level of intimacy and comfort which I know I lack right now. I haven't been in a serious relationship in years. And only recently have I figured out why. No, scratch that, I already know the why. I think I've figured out the how.

Many many moons ago, dozens upon dozens of them, I came to the realization that, for me at least, when I would embark on the relationship boat, I would learn as much about my partner as possible. Not just facts and figures, but mental, emotional, spiritually, any number of esoteric adjectives. It was like writing the code of their self into my soul. Simply put, it was getting to know them, memorizing every word, sentence, paragraph and plot line in their infinite depths.

When a relationship would end, I noticed that I would be single for about as long as it took to digest that previous relationship meal. When I was clean and empty, I had room to begin another, to start memorizing another person, getting to know them, in that cliched phrase, as deeply and intimately as possible. I think that's why I've always been one for monogamy. I just can't be memorizing, intaking, learning about more than one person at a time, so therefore I can't get into a relationship until the previous one has been fully digested.

So this brings me up to the past few years. For one, my last major, long-term, serious relationship was amazingly intense and deep, and ended in January of 2001. That relationship meal took a LONG time to get out of my system. In the intervening time, I also started on an intense, hermetic, investigation into my self. Introspection and analysis. In essence, I was doing to myself what I normally did with my partners; learning and memorizing ever deeper levels of my mind, emotions, soul and psyche. Between the slow digestion of my previous relationship and the constant meal of myself, I just haven't had room for anyone else.

I've dated on and off over the last few years, but it's always been short and relatively uneventful. Like snacking when you're already full. You can handle a bite or two, but a meal is out of the question. Last summer, the final bits of my previous relationship were finally digested and expelled. I've memorized myself so well, and am constantly updating. I could be a poster child for the Greek axiom Know Thyself. I've gotten that quest for self down to the equivalent of a daily vitamin. Which means, I finally have room for someone else. Someone I can memorize. Their face, their smile, through the eyes and into the soul's plunging, intricate depths.

Perhaps that is why these dreams are surfacing. It's compensatory material; parts of my psyche expressing in my inner world what isn't getting expressed in my outer world. I guess it's time.

Comments

[gutzilla.livejournal.com]

I loved the way you put that, "writing the code of their self into my soul".

You also reminded me of one of my favourite phrases:

Know yourself before you ask "who are you?"

Anyway, I hope you find something worthwhile soon.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I was particulary pleased with that phrase too.

Know yourself before you ask "who are you?" :: That's lovely and so true.

Thanks. and again, Thanks.

[moonshinekat.livejournal.com]

ooooh i hate relationship dreams, it always makes me look at the person in the dream a different way because its usually a person i wouldnt consider...oddly enough i had one last night, and there is still no way i'd consider this person ....

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd probably never date most of my dream relationship partners. Except Angelina. I'd give her a chance. Maybe.

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

its quite nice to know, that there is someone out there that still cares enough to find out everything they possibly can about a person

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I forget that most people don't do this.

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

well put! :)

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Why thank you, madame.

[maeghanne.livejournal.com]

welcome... ;)