Crabbiness Abounds
Oct. 30th, 2004 05:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackshoegazerSometimes I hate being a double Cancer. I am truly a Crab. I've been super-moody the last few days, swinging from elation to depression and back. Not quickly, but on a gentle sliding scale.
My financial situation is getting worse. Just when I'm almost getting caught up, just as I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the faint flickering I see on the horizon is always revealed to be a mirage, a trick of light and shadow playing upon the void.
I was drowning is one of my many existential quandaries yesterday, which coupled with a dream I had, left me feeling terribly confused. I can't remember the entire dream, but the part I DO remember is that I was faking being an actor auditioning for a movie, an old-school Disney style musical, like Mary Poppins. I don't know why I was there, pretending to be an actor, but I suddenly got called to play the part, and I realized I didn't know any of the lines or the song. However, when the music began I started running around, dancing and leaping into the air, and singing this very silly Disney-Meets-Dali absurdist song. And I was GOOD. I could really sing and dance, outshining everyone and the whole time I'm thinking, Wow, I can do this! I can't believe it!
The dream, I believe reminded me of a revelation I had a long time ago, and I quoted Tim Leary because he described that revelation so eloquently. I'm just an actor, playing a role in this Cosmic Drama. I sometimes feel my difficulties in life stem from this realization. Every time I try to 'dig in' and DO something, I realize I'm just playing a role, and that it's not real. So what's the point? I hate being fake.
My financial situation is getting worse. Just when I'm almost getting caught up, just as I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the faint flickering I see on the horizon is always revealed to be a mirage, a trick of light and shadow playing upon the void.
I was drowning is one of my many existential quandaries yesterday, which coupled with a dream I had, left me feeling terribly confused. I can't remember the entire dream, but the part I DO remember is that I was faking being an actor auditioning for a movie, an old-school Disney style musical, like Mary Poppins. I don't know why I was there, pretending to be an actor, but I suddenly got called to play the part, and I realized I didn't know any of the lines or the song. However, when the music began I started running around, dancing and leaping into the air, and singing this very silly Disney-Meets-Dali absurdist song. And I was GOOD. I could really sing and dance, outshining everyone and the whole time I'm thinking, Wow, I can do this! I can't believe it!
The dream, I believe reminded me of a revelation I had a long time ago, and I quoted Tim Leary because he described that revelation so eloquently. I'm just an actor, playing a role in this Cosmic Drama. I sometimes feel my difficulties in life stem from this realization. Every time I try to 'dig in' and DO something, I realize I'm just playing a role, and that it's not real. So what's the point? I hate being fake.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 12:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 09:57 pm (UTC)we're just collections of fucking cliches!
i like to think that the particular cliches we embrace make us unique via their combination, that we are all special little snowflakes..... i oscillate between convincing myself i believe that and thinking it's utter crap.
but i like ya anyway.
*another hug sneak attack*
gotcha!
~me
no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 10:44 pm (UTC)But that's entirely the problem.
We're not our cliches. (Tyler Durden walks in..)
We're not our jobs.
We're not out cars.
We're not our fucking khakis.
So then what are we?
(cue mysterious music...)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 12:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 02:45 pm (UTC)