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jackshoegazerI have forty minutes until my French class starts. I've forgotten most of what I learned last year and I am horribly floundering right now. The class is set up entirely different than previous semesters so I'm out of my element and without structure. If I don't catch up quick, I may just take it pass/fail to save my GPA. This is the last required, non-major class I have to take and I can't wait for it to be over.
In case you didn't notice in my last post, I went and got myself married. This is probably one of the biggest culturally-normative experiences I have ever done. Getting married always seemed like some weird custom I didn't understand and would never do. A lot of that had to do with my approach to rituals in our lives. So many of the rituals in our lives are dead things. You go through them by rote, they don't mean anything, they aren't powerful, they don't change you. How different did you feel after you graduated high school? How powerful was your last Communion? Was it overwhelming? Did you cry? Was it terrifying and ecstatic?
When I decided that I would indeed marry, I decided I didn't want my wedding to be like that. I wanted it to be like a religious experience, an all-out ecstatic revelation. Break hearts, mend hearts, blow minds, make people weep. Okay, not really. But I did want it to be powerful. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted to do away with the tropes of weddings that didn't add to that ineffable vibe I was going for. No cake/face-smashing, for one. Readings that spoke of being a whole and not losing your individuality in love and marriage, while still extolling the transcendent aspects of said love. Choosing a different color for the groom than the groomsmen. Letting the bridesmaids choose their own dresses. Read the history of why the bride's maids and groomsmen dress the same as the bride & groom. It's kind of fucked. We walked down the isle together. No one in this partnership is owned. No one was being given away.
And you know what? I also wanted a classy wedding. Beautiful venue, amazing food, awesome clothes, good friends. I didn't want hotdogs in foil trays. I'm a snob. And if that's a bad thing, well, fuck it. I like nice things. It's not out of character. I don't believe in half-assing things, to use the parlance of my father. If you're going to do something, do it right. If you're going to put your time and effort and life into something, it should be as full an expression of your self as possible. Quality isn't something that just happens. It comes from love and life and intention. It's a goddamned miracle and the possibility of the miracle is here with us, almost every day.
In case you didn't notice in my last post, I went and got myself married. This is probably one of the biggest culturally-normative experiences I have ever done. Getting married always seemed like some weird custom I didn't understand and would never do. A lot of that had to do with my approach to rituals in our lives. So many of the rituals in our lives are dead things. You go through them by rote, they don't mean anything, they aren't powerful, they don't change you. How different did you feel after you graduated high school? How powerful was your last Communion? Was it overwhelming? Did you cry? Was it terrifying and ecstatic?
When I decided that I would indeed marry, I decided I didn't want my wedding to be like that. I wanted it to be like a religious experience, an all-out ecstatic revelation. Break hearts, mend hearts, blow minds, make people weep. Okay, not really. But I did want it to be powerful. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted to do away with the tropes of weddings that didn't add to that ineffable vibe I was going for. No cake/face-smashing, for one. Readings that spoke of being a whole and not losing your individuality in love and marriage, while still extolling the transcendent aspects of said love. Choosing a different color for the groom than the groomsmen. Letting the bridesmaids choose their own dresses. Read the history of why the bride's maids and groomsmen dress the same as the bride & groom. It's kind of fucked. We walked down the isle together. No one in this partnership is owned. No one was being given away.
And you know what? I also wanted a classy wedding. Beautiful venue, amazing food, awesome clothes, good friends. I didn't want hotdogs in foil trays. I'm a snob. And if that's a bad thing, well, fuck it. I like nice things. It's not out of character. I don't believe in half-assing things, to use the parlance of my father. If you're going to do something, do it right. If you're going to put your time and effort and life into something, it should be as full an expression of your self as possible. Quality isn't something that just happens. It comes from love and life and intention. It's a goddamned miracle and the possibility of the miracle is here with us, almost every day.
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Date: 2011-09-07 07:41 pm (UTC)As I re-enter this strange world, I have no idea how to put my life into what I do for money, and they are rattling around in my sun-addled brain. So much to learn.
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Date: 2011-09-07 11:25 pm (UTC)I'm sure it was beautiful :) my own experience was amazing. after years of resistance to churchified ness I found God in a claptrap little house in Wichita. he blessed us and i * felt* it. Bidden or unbidden, as the saying goes.
everyone is happy for you both. you absolutely did the right thing, and you did it absolutely right. bless you both. :)
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Date: 2011-09-08 01:43 am (UTC)yeah...if i ever get married, i'm doing the ceremony in a way that avoids the women-as-property crap. i do recall going to a wedding where they honored the parents in a more gender-egalitarian way.
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Date: 2011-09-08 08:55 am (UTC)So very much this. If I learned anything from my own wedding preparations: Whatever YOU want is the right thing. I got so many "you can't do that!" "you can't leave that out" reactions and I'm so glad I ignored them (and it was not that we had a totally eccentric out of the ordinary wedding. But people were already mindboggled that I didn't get a "real" proposition and didn't care much about my dress).
We didn't have a church ceremony yet and decided to combine this with the baptism of our first child and it will be the same: we'll do it our way and put emphasis on the things that are important to us. I still think that having everyone well fed and comfortable is more important than white doves, a carriage and a handtailored dress, for example.
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Date: 2011-09-09 09:21 am (UTC)What readings did you have? We had frinds write things for us...
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Date: 2011-09-13 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-13 02:50 pm (UTC)Your pixelated words made my heart quiver.
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Date: 2011-09-13 04:12 pm (UTC)