Grrr.

[jackshoegazer]

I've been really angry lately.  Some of it, at least the last two days worth, is stress over my application essay.  (I hate them for all the usual reasons people hate those things.  I feel really disingenuous writing them.)  Some of it is Ethan's grades (he almost failed three classes this semester.)  But in general, I have no reason to be as irrationally angry and short-tempered as I am.  Often this accompanies being broke, but we're actually pretty good right now, riding on the coattails of spring loan money and tax returns.  Hell, we just paid off the car!  No more car payment!  I know I've got some residual anger brewing over my vascular doctors.  They can't find my bypass, and think it may have closed up, since I have had some symptoms return.  They are in wait-and-see mode and I hate it.  They don't want to throw me into surgery again right away (and I'm not exactly excited about that prospect either) because if this bypass closed, what's to keep another one from closing.  But it's not enough to keep me constantly on tenterhooks.  Maybe the transfer to UW is getting to me more than I think.  I feel like it's a big step and often think that I am way not ready.  Community college was fucking easy.  University seems all SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Anyway, here's a portrait I took last night when I was trying to calm down.

I wrote my first draft of my application essay and now I'm waiting to get some feedback.  I don't think it's very typical and I think I was perhaps a little to honest, a little to reflective of how I'm feeling lately.  I used to think that we all stopped mentally aging at like seventeen and we're all faking this adult thing from them on, but more and more I'm realizing that's not the case at all.

Comments

[balamuthia.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to add except that the human body is a cantankerous and frustrating machine, and I love this portrait. The mood is fantastic.

[heatherlrowe.livejournal.com]

i've always wished that bad moods could be settled by figuring out what caused them. for me, it's often nightmares, and i would be so much happier if i could just look back at the dream and say, "ok, zombies are scary because of this, and especially for me because of this, and now i don't need to be upset about it anymore today, and i can be cheery again."
what's the point of the ability to reason if it can't help cure a bad mood?

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

I remember someone once telling me that change is like being dragged to a bath that you really need...

[mysterysquid.livejournal.com]

I dunno, sounds like you've got plenty going on to me.

I've just put in an application for a new job, and the selection criteria document was painful in the same way.

[alebazi.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm right there with you. As I'm a girl, after keeping my anger in, I end up breaking down into tears on my days off. I want to tell off so many people. I am rude, inconsiderate, and overall just a biatch! Right now, don't care so much for my own company. I hope you get some good news soon about Ethan.

When you say UW, do you mean University of Washington in Seattle?

[okwatanzinone.livejournal.com]

I went through the same feelings about community college. I came away feeling it was pretty super easy too. Of course I went into an online college that I still think is fairly easy. I saw what someone close to me was doing at UofI and totally understand how UW can be intimidating. You're a smart guy though. You'll tackle this one too.

I think the being exposed as an impostor can't happen until grad school...right?

[besina-sartor.livejournal.com]

>> I used to think that we all stopped mentally aging at like seventeen and we're all faking this adult thing from them on, but more and more I'm realizing that's not the case at all.

I'd say it's half the case...although I'd peg it at mid-twenties.