jackshoegazer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jackshoegazer) wrote2005-12-12 07:28 am
jackshoegazer) wrote2005-12-12 07:28 am
Entry tags:
Opening the blinds this morning, I realized...
I am a horrible person.
I am an intellectual spider. I will trap you in my web and you can never argue your way out.
Even if you're right.
Because the truth is:
I am not a smart man. I am clever and quick, but I am not smart.
Generally, it takes a while for me to process new information, to incorporate it into my cosmology. Occasionally, and usually only with grand revelations, is this process instantaneous. Mostly, I have to let it sink in, turn it over, ponder it, play with it, like a newly planted tree, allow it to root and grow.
But I can't lose face, I can't ever be wrong.
So I use my almighty powers of argument, my lightning cleverness to refute your points, like temporary road blocks, momentary doors to hide behind. I leave you trying to climb up and around, to somehow get around these traps to give my people, a.k.a. my intellectual processes time to digest.
While it may be frustrating and seem that I am not open or accepting to what you are saying, it is actually the opposite. I am just too embarrassed at my idiocy to allow you to see it. Astrology would describe it as Saturn acting in my natal third house, instilling me with a fear of appearing unintelligent. It's not an excuse, just a description.
What I must remember is that it is like emotional vulnerability. People don't really want stoic people who are never perturbed and hide their emotions behind closed doors. No one likes a perfectionist. To be accepted, to be liked, to be truly human is to show vulnerability, to admit flaws and fractures within ourselves.
And such I must learn to do in this aspect of my life.
I offer my apologies, especially to John and Jacquelyn who have suffered the most from this.
Though I say, no one likes a perfectionist, I still aim to be perfect. Learning and adapting to these lessons about myself and how they affect my life and the people in it is a major part of this path.
Let the light shine in.
Ok, so maybe I'm not horrible, but I'm not perfect and I have a lot to work on.
And it never stops.
I am an intellectual spider. I will trap you in my web and you can never argue your way out.
Even if you're right.
Because the truth is:
I am not a smart man. I am clever and quick, but I am not smart.
Generally, it takes a while for me to process new information, to incorporate it into my cosmology. Occasionally, and usually only with grand revelations, is this process instantaneous. Mostly, I have to let it sink in, turn it over, ponder it, play with it, like a newly planted tree, allow it to root and grow.
But I can't lose face, I can't ever be wrong.
So I use my almighty powers of argument, my lightning cleverness to refute your points, like temporary road blocks, momentary doors to hide behind. I leave you trying to climb up and around, to somehow get around these traps to give my people, a.k.a. my intellectual processes time to digest.
While it may be frustrating and seem that I am not open or accepting to what you are saying, it is actually the opposite. I am just too embarrassed at my idiocy to allow you to see it. Astrology would describe it as Saturn acting in my natal third house, instilling me with a fear of appearing unintelligent. It's not an excuse, just a description.
What I must remember is that it is like emotional vulnerability. People don't really want stoic people who are never perturbed and hide their emotions behind closed doors. No one likes a perfectionist. To be accepted, to be liked, to be truly human is to show vulnerability, to admit flaws and fractures within ourselves.
And such I must learn to do in this aspect of my life.
I offer my apologies, especially to John and Jacquelyn who have suffered the most from this.
Though I say, no one likes a perfectionist, I still aim to be perfect. Learning and adapting to these lessons about myself and how they affect my life and the people in it is a major part of this path.
Let the light shine in.
Ok, so maybe I'm not horrible, but I'm not perfect and I have a lot to work on.
And it never stops.
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2) No apology is necessary. Everything is a process. You have no idea how much it means to me that we had such a good and balanced conversation this morning, and for someone like me (prone to explosive fiery outbursts and strong emotions) to be able to have such a balanced and calm person in my life is more than I ever could have hoped for. Yes, I aruge emotionally, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it or find it meaningful. I can't expect you to go about things the same way as I do, because we're two different people and that would be silly and boring, and we'd never learn.
3) There's definitely a difference between a debate and an arguement, or, on the emotive end of that spectrum, a fight. I can't ever seem myself fighting with you, precisely beCAUSE of a lot of the things that frustrate me during our debates. That very wall I was talking about protects me from you being irrational, or baiting me. The trick now is, as with anything, to find balance.
4) If you're going to work on what you've talked about, then I'm going to work on remembering that just because you don't get as worked up and emotive as I do when we're debating something doesn't mean that it's not important to you, or that you don't think what I have to say is valid. I will also work on being open to broadening my experiences in the ways we've talked about so that I have a more informed perspective.
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2) I should apologise to those I torture and frustrate ;)
3) TAO!
4) YAY!
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2)It's always a pleasure, even when it gets hard or frustrating. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think it's been remarkably smooth sailing so far. Ooh, can I be a pirate?!
3) OAT!
4) YAY! <--a palindrome!