jackshoegazer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jackshoegazer) wrote2005-08-10 10:34 am
jackshoegazer) wrote2005-08-10 10:34 am
Eternal Sunshine of my Lonely Heart
I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the ten-billionth time. In case you haven't heard me mention it, it's one of my favorite films, definitely hanging around in the Top 10, and definitely in the Top 5 of best relationship films.
Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.
Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.
I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.
Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?
Several times throughout the film, I'm on the verge of tears, and it still gets me even after ten-billion viewings. I feel sad, and nostalgic, and I miss being in love. Correction: I miss being in Love. It's been so long and often I ponder whether I've still got the capacity to fall in love.
Like Joel in the movie when he says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" and I think to myself that maybe that's not love then. I used to never have commitment problems. I was strictly monogamous and always willing to dive into a relationship. Now, I find myself unable to imagine narrowing myself down to just one person, and I feel that I've lost something.
I keep wanting to find the One, but everything I've learned has shown me that there is no One to find. Most romantic love is anima projection, which vanishes when the illusion is revealed. I try to be whole, individuated, and look for another whole being to compliment me. I don't want to be completed, I just want a companion. Real, true and deep intimacy.
Am I really hiding from love? Do I keep myself so distant; hide my true self so well that no one can find it? I apparently flirt all the time, but I keep things from developing deeper. I wonder if I've been damaged so deeply that I won't let anyone else in there. I keep everyone at least an arms-length away and then cry at my loss and loneliness and lack of love. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who can see me through all the layers and shells and shields and is persistent anyway, like my love is a prize for the clever one who can get through my maze. Either way, I have no room to whine and complain like this. This is all my own doing. I should be able to change this. Why do I find it so hard?
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There was a story once, I saw on Unsolved Mysteries or something like that. A man who had been in one of the Nazi war camps. There was a young German girl who would come to the camp, and slip him apples and feed him. She always remained with him in his heart, and when he was released from the camps, he went to America.
From what I recall, he married, had children, his wife died. But one day, in his old age, by strange twist of fate, he met the same woman who fed him apples through the fence, the rest was history on it. I guess they recognized each other, even in their old age even...
Now, things like that occur, (and damn wouldn't I love to see those two natal charts)!!! And boom, fate. Also, a friend of mine, when we'd just graduated from high school. She had dated a young man, since she was 13. Lied about her age to him (long story with), then later told the truth. He was in the military, and when he was done with doing his time, they were going to be married.
But sadly, he came down with Leukemia. He died when she was 19. I remember our boss (we worked together), and everyone kept consoling her too much. But I knew she didn't want all that. So when I heard about his death, I called her, and I told her, when she returned to work, I would treat her like normal, and not mention the loss to her at all. If she wanted to talk to me, she could. But if she didn't want to, I wouldn't say anything. IOW: I wouldn't feel sorry for her. I got a huge THANK YOU for that, and we became good friends.
So, a year later, girlfriends and I went on a weekend trip up north. One of my friends wanted to visit her boyfriend in school, and I asked her if she wanted to go. That night, she met the "One" you could say. She is a very talented artist, painter (and now web designer for several big co's). Anyway, he claimed he was an artist, and when he showed us he wasn't making it up (because young guys do things like that), he showed us his gallery, some of the most beautiful paintings I'd ever seen. And the funny thing was, one of our friends (Libra) said, "Because she stayed by his side until he died, and loved him, God gave her a good one." They are still happily married with three sons =) Strange twists of fate -- I felt she should go with me that weekend, and the rest is history.
So I think, really, we have many soulmates. There's not necessarily a specific, special, perfect One for us. But folks wont be able to end up in quality relationships, until they overcome the various obstacles and issues they're supposed to overcome.
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BTW is it allright if I friend you?
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