Since we're down here in Malkuth where linear time is the rule, and since according to Gregorian time-management structures, I am listed as approximately three solar-returns older than you, I would propose that you are MY bastard child, however produced when I was three years old, when the Zeta Reticulans removed sperm from my young toddler testicles and impregnated the real Marilyn Monroe, who they abducted back in the 60's and left a cloned corpse in her place, then trasnferred the full-term fetus into your "mother" and then implanted her and your "father" with the false memories of an entire nine month gestation period, when in fact, she was only pregnant for about an hour before you were born. Welcome home son!