Sep. 7th, 2011

jackshoegazer: (Jack/Detective)
I have forty minutes until my French class starts. I've forgotten most of what I learned last year and I am horribly floundering right now. The class is set up entirely different than previous semesters so I'm out of my element and without structure. If I don't catch up quick, I may just take it pass/fail to save my GPA. This is the last required, non-major class I have to take and I can't wait for it to be over.

In case you didn't notice in my last post, I went and got myself married. This is probably one of the biggest culturally-normative experiences I have ever done. Getting married always seemed like some weird custom I didn't understand and would never do. A lot of that had to do with my approach to rituals in our lives. So many of the rituals in our lives are dead things. You go through them by rote, they don't mean anything, they aren't powerful, they don't change you. How different did you feel after you graduated high school? How powerful was your last Communion? Was it overwhelming? Did you cry? Was it terrifying and ecstatic?

When I decided that I would indeed marry, I decided I didn't want my wedding to be like that. I wanted it to be like a religious experience, an all-out ecstatic revelation. Break hearts, mend hearts, blow minds, make people weep. Okay, not really. But I did want it to be powerful. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted to do away with the tropes of weddings that didn't add to that ineffable vibe I was going for. No cake/face-smashing, for one. Readings that spoke of being a whole and not losing your individuality in love and marriage, while still extolling the transcendent aspects of said love. Choosing a different color for the groom than the groomsmen. Letting the bridesmaids choose their own dresses. Read the history of why the bride's maids and groomsmen dress the same as the bride & groom. It's kind of fucked. We walked down the isle together. No one in this partnership is owned. No one was being given away.

And you know what? I also wanted a classy wedding. Beautiful venue, amazing food, awesome clothes, good friends. I didn't want hotdogs in foil trays. I'm a snob. And if that's a bad thing, well, fuck it. I like nice things. It's not out of character. I don't believe in half-assing things, to use the parlance of my father. If you're going to do something, do it right. If you're going to put your time and effort and life into something, it should be as full an expression of your self as possible. Quality isn't something that just happens. It comes from love and life and intention. It's a goddamned miracle and the possibility of the miracle is here with us, almost every day.


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