Aug. 28th, 2011

jackshoegazer: (Shaman/Joe)
All right kiddos, we're getting down to the wire. I'm gittin' hitched in less than a week now. I pick up my tux on Wednesday night and fly out on Thursday morning. Right now, the weather for the wedding day looks like 78F and partly cloudy. It changes a little every couple of hours. Eventually, I'm hoping to negotiate 74F and mostly sunny. The meteorology gods are shrewd negotiators. I have to be careful. If you push them too hard, they are spiteful.

Jacquelyn and I have a list of about twenty things that need to be done before we leave. We've been designing and assembling the programs for a gazillion hours already. We've got to make the table numbers and the escort cards and write our vows and send off the seating arrangement. I also have to order my school books, since I have class the day we get back. I have to run out to the store to buy ink for the printer as soon as the store opens. I need another notebook.

The usual worries you see in films about getting married don't exist here. In movies, the freak-out is always about soul-mates and the right person and all that. Which, I suppose, is a valid fear. You're making a commitment that ostensibly means forever. But we know that's not the case. Over half of marriages end in divorce. (What else would they end in? Oh yeah, death.) And when you're in a long-term relationship, aren't you already sort of saying, "Yeah, I'm going to be here until this is fucking miserable." So really, why not get married? Getting a divorce is a little more expensive than a regular breakup but the tax savings alone should balance that out. The projections show that for a fairly amiable divorce, you need to stay married at least three years in order to come out ahead fiscally. I just made that up.

At this point, I'm mostly worried about logistics - getting to the airport, packing, how will we transport everything, how will we bring everything back. You know, regular travel stuff. The rest of my worry is emotional dynamics and family drama. Jacquelyn's mom & stepdad just finalized their divorce after a long and ugly battle. Jacquelyn's aunt hates her dad's new wife for some unfathomable reason. One friend of mine just emailed to me tell me not to let another friend drink because he likes to get into fights when he's drunk.

And I'm reminded why I have avoided family and dramatic friends for so much of my adult life. This soap opera that is our daily lives. I understand why Buddhists want to stop the wheel and get off. Every act creates friction which moves the wheel another step further, and we are ground to dust underneath. And there lies the crux of the one philosophical question I have not been able to sufficiently answer for myself - is the world an evil place of suffering like the Buddhists think, a trap for souls as the Gnostics believe - a place we need to escape from. Or, do we embrace all that is life and all the drama that comes with it, all the beauty and horror and love and malice and enjoy this perfection for all that it is in its dichotomous glory and realize that we must have friction to move - that if we don't move the wheel, we'll never get anywhere. To which the Buddhist replies - where are you going? Everything is here and now. The motion is an illusion. Look behind the veil. This is a grand play and you've never left your seat.



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