May. 3rd, 2011

Why not?

May. 3rd, 2011 11:40 am
jackshoegazer: (Political/Lacks Experience)
My fellow Americans,

I am addressing you today to announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

If elected, I will end all of these stupid wars. The money being lost in foreign countries will be put toward alternative energies and materials research so we never have to fight a war for oil over again. Without our military invading sovereign nations, bankrupting their people, and stealing their resources, and building military bases on their holy sites, they will be less likely to want to fly airplanes into our buildings. Just saying.

If elected, I will double the budget of the Department of Education. I think Sam Seaborn said it best: "Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. . . . Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense." Simply, education IS national defense. And yes, I quoted a fictional character. Get used to it; that's the kind of guy I am.

I will close tax loopholes and enact policies that stop the outsourcing of American jobs. Fifty years ago, you could work in a factory and afford a house, a car, and send your kids to college. Those days are long gone and we need to bring that back. That should be possible for any American. I propose a living wage and returning our tax rates to pre-Reagan levels. Any corporation that thinks these policies are unfair are free to cease business with the United States. Patriotic Americans will rise up where multinational corporation fall.

I propose a single-payer health care system. I propose subsidized-if-not-free college education. Other countries with similar tax rates get much more for their money that we do. That should change.

If elected, I will make Star Wars and/or Buffy the Vampire Slayer jokes during the State of the Union address.

I vow to be the first bearded president since Benjamin Harrison.

Every evening, I will read your children a bedtime story.

I grew up in the United States and was told from day-one that I lived in the greatest country in the world. I intend to make that true.

Thank you.
jackshoegazer: (Iconomicon/Ego)
Apparently I'm going to Wiscon this year.

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jackshoegazer

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